A Reminder to Self

ratty-old-booksSometimes you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you click with that person.  Has that ever happened to you?  It doesn’t matter whether they have Multiple Sclerosis or not.  In the world of mutual admiration, illness takes a back seat.

At the same time, sometimes you meet someone and for some reason they rub you the wrong way.  Getting to know them better, you realize that what you first felt is still how you feel weeks or months later.  Has that ever happened to you?

Then there are strangers whom you haven’t met.  You know what I mean?  For instance, people walking towards you on the sidewalk.  You smile at them and they don’t smile back?  You’ve seen them.  I’m sure you have.  Or are you the type of person that doesn’t smile at strangers?  I smile at them all the time, when I’m out that is, which isn’t very often.  These people look at you and they will react one way or another.

It is evident that something is wrong with you.  Either you are walking with a cane, leaning on someone’s arm, in a wheelchair, or walking like you’re drunk and hanging on the wall of a building.  I know you understand all these scenarios.

I smile.  It’s simply my nature to smile when I catch someone’s eyes.  That’s a weird expression, isn’t it?  (Catch someone’s eyes.)

So okay, I smile at people and some will smile back and others won’t.  Some people will even respond to your smile by uttering a greeting of one kind or another such as, “Good morning.”  Other’s make a point of trying not to look at you.  You can see them glance your way, and then they quickly avert their eyes to something else.  Still there are others who don’t look up at all.  They resolutely stare down at their feet as they walk.

Sometimes the people that you meet have a predetermined impression about you based on your outward appearance.  Aren’t we all guilty of that?  The color of your skin, how fat or skinny you are, tall or short, the way you walk and talk, their perceived intellect of you, pretty or ugly, and the list goes on.  All of these values that people judge each other are subjective, meaning that it is an individual’s perception of these values.

So what am I going on and on about?  I’m not sure!!!  Let me try and remember.  You know what this is like.  Sheesh!

Okay, I’m back.  Have to type fast before it runs away from me again to hide in the dark recesses of my mind, as though playing hide-and-seek with me.

I’m addressing how we react to people when we first see each other and the powerful impressions that are imprinted in heads.  Because of those impressions, we make a value judgement.  Right?

This is highly unlikely with people with MS (Multiple Sclerosis) since many of us are  in wheelchairs, but it’s for the others who read this blog as well.  Then again, some of us with MS also think this way.  Think about it.  We see someone in a wheelchair coming towards us.  Do we say hello or not?  What if the person in the wheelchair is hanging over the side (exaggeration here) and drooling?  Were we going to say hi but changed our minds?  Why did we change our mind? We probably made a judgement decision.  We may not be aware that we did, but we probably did.

We complain about people judging us but I bet if you analyze yourself, you too are judging others.  Practice what you preach?  Yes, I think so.  I know that I am guilty of it but if I become aware that I’m doing it, I make an immediate attitude adjustment or at least try to.

I don’t want people judging me because the symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis can be very obvious, as in my case.  What right do I have to judge others whether I’m in a wheelchair or not?

Being ill does not give us justification to throw away decent human principles.  Having Multiple Sclerosis or any other disease does not give us the right to expect more from society at large than when we ordinarily would expect to receive.  Now I’m talking respect and moral issues.  What’s that old saying by ???  I know it’s in the Bible but it’s in other places as well, even older than the Bible.

“The Golden Rule or law of reciprocity is the principle of treating others as one would wish to be treated oneself. It is a maxim of altruism seen in many human religions and human cultures.[1][2] The maxim may appear as either a positive or negative injunction governing conduct: ” (I looked this up in Wiki.)

So let’s not kid ourselves.  If you want to be treated with kindness, then be kind.  If you want that smile when you walk down the street, smile at them.  If you don’t want others to treat you with disdain, don’t do it to others.

If you expect more than what you give, it ain’t gonna happen.  I’ve found the opposite to be true.  If you give more than what you receive,  oftentimes you are met with disappointment.  That’s no reason to clump people into a Rolodex file under “people I don’t like”.

A good thing we can do for ourselves in every day living is to treat others how we would like to be treated.  It’s difficult but it’s a positive thing to do and it’s medicinal.  Don’t fill your heart with bitterness towards others who treat us unkind.  Instead treat others who are unkind as if they have a disease and they need help!  Then give them the attention that you would like to receive as an ill person.  Remember that what you give is what you’ll get, if not in this world in some other world.

MY TAKE ON THIS:
I don’t know what got into me to write the above.  I think it’s because we went out the other day and I encountered two different types of people.  One didn’t meet my eyes, another did and smiled.  There was another person, now that I think about it, who just stared down at the ground.  I felt sorry for them.
My first impulse was to feel indignant at the person who saw me but didn’t smile and the other person who saw me then glanced away.  Then I got to thinking about why I felt this way.  I suppose I’m telling you what I told myself when I hollered at myself inside my head.  I do that a lot.  Holler at me inside my head.
So take this particular blog for what it is.  A reminder to self to be nicer to people and not to expect special treatment just because I’m ill–and not to judge people by their cover because I don’t want them judging me either.

Life in the New Year!

cutting-looseAh, the new year is upon us.  Should we celebrate it or not?

It looms before me and if it was anything like last year, I think I’ll press the reset button on my life and hope it takes me back to before last year began.  Six surgeries!  I almost tremble at the thought of what this year might bring.

Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t fear the new year.  I anticipate it just like I anticipate anything new.  It’s like a Christmas gift that one gets where you open the package slowly in anticipation of what it might prove to be.

Just like Multiple Sclerosis.  You just don’t know what the year will be like, but isn’t hat true of anything?    Rather than fear the new year, I think I will embrace it as it unfolds, like a lover where you run kisses up and down his face until you get the reaction you want.  LOL.

I’m sitting here thinking, bring it on! I know I can handle anything this new year will bring me.  Perhaps I will get lucky and face only great things.  Maybe I won’t be so lucky and have a predominantly difficult year.  That’s okay too.  I’ve proven that I can handle many things that I thought I couldn’t.

Add to all the physical problems were the emotional ones to do with family.  It was a traumatic year for my family which of course, rolled on to me.  When they hurt, I hurt. When I hurt, they don’t.  Seems a bit uneven doesn’t it?  I don’t care.  It is what it is.  Their pain is mine, at least it affects me as though it happened to me physically.

The ambiguity of life is common to all living things.  None of us knows what will happen to us even within the scope of my favorite five minutes, the one that is happening right now. For instance, I spill this cup of coffee all over my computer keyboard and in the process I burn my hand.  I don’t care about the hand.  I grab something to wipe the keyboard down with or flip it upside down hoping I caught it in time so that the coffee didn’t have the chance to drip down between the keys.  Dream on.  I’ve never been that lucky.  I move way too slow to catch it in time.

This leads to a ruined keyboard.  I can’t get through a day without a keyboard since I’m primarily a desktop user.  What to do?  I could order one online, but I would have to wait a day or two, if not longer, to get a keyboard in the house.  I could use my husband’s keyboard, but then he’d be without his and he works on his computer daily like I do.  I don’t like it when my battles seep into his daily life, although we all know it does. However, this is something I can do something about.  Let his computer alone and deal with my own problem.

This then leads to, should I buy one sight unseen or should I go down to a store?  The last one  I bought was sight  unseen.  It turned out to be a nice keyboard, as keyboards go. Should I get the same one?  Nah.  Things change during the course of a year.  Technology changes and I’m addicted to the latest and greatest.  Going out to check out the keyboards has a two-fold advantage.  I get out of the house, and of course, I get to check out the latest and greatest.

I find my old keyboard and compare it to the newer keyboards.  They vary in price and in function.  To wired or go wireless?  To go with a mouse included or not?  You get the idea. One event sets off a series of other events.  Should I look ahead and plan for every possible outcome or should I deal with what is happening right in front of me right now?

I can’t sit around and worry about every possible outcome while my keyboard is getting ruined and everything else that is in the way of the path of spilled coffee.  I need to take action right now for what is happening right now.  I need to mop up the spilled milk, then assess my wet keyboard and so forth.  If I take things sequentially and logically, I can deal with it one step at a time.  If I think about it and weight all the possible things I can do, in the meantime, what started out as a bad event grows into a destructive event instead of a minor one.

Okay, so all this leads me to think this about the new year.  Not to worry.  Not to fear.  Not even to plan.  Planning assumes too many things which turns into worries.

I don’t make resolutions because I have too much respect for myself to set myself up for failure.  If I do well with something I would like to improve, this is good.  I think that most things that need improvement will take more than one year to take effect.

I will go my merry way, as merry as I can be, that is.  One step forward leads to another step forward and eventual destination.  Along the way, there will definitely be falls, perhaps some broken bones along with tears of consternation, anger, sadness.  This is the story of life.

All of us can lead a life of being disabled or we can choose a life of being enabled.  My disabilities does not disable me nor does it define me.  My ATTITUDE is what can disable me.

You choose for yourself.

I am enabled by my disability.

 

On Again, Off Again

May you find peace, love, strength, laughter, kindness, understanding and all other positive things one could wish for in the new year.

You may have noticed that I did not include health or wealth above.  I find that wealth is a matter of subjective ideology.  I do wish you wealth, but a special wealth that is individual and not necessarily monetary.

I also wish you health.  Once again, health is something we all strive for daily.  It deserves it’s own little paragraph because for us, it is so important.

I’ve been neglecting you and for that, I apologize.  No excuse is good enough.  I’m sort of an on again off again sort of person, but I hope that when I’m on again, I give you value, interest, and laughter as well as something to think about, particularly my input on our favorite subject, Multiple Sclerosis.  Actually, there is one wee little bit of an excuse.

I’ve been working on my book and I hope to have it done this month.  I was trying to have it finished in December, but that went nowhere.  Now I’m shooting for January.  I am going to publish part of it as an e-book and then I will publish it in hardcover.

So how the heck have you been?  Answer please in the comments below.  I would dearly love to hear how you are doing.

Me?  Thanks for asking.  I have a long list of problems that are plaguing me right now.  I am seriously into a relapse.  I think the cumulative effect of six surgeries this past year has grouped together and decided to attack me.  It was brutal enough recovering from each surgery but now it’s a gang war against me.  I hate gangs.  I’m not fond of groups either.

Ok, I just heard a loud gasp coming from somewhere.  Who was it?  Let’s not get in a tiff about it.

There are support groups for just about anything and everything out there.  I know that they don’t support me.  Probably because I’m not open to them in the first place.  I have just cause for feeling the way I do.

I grew up in an orphanage and when there was a major discord in my cottage of 38 girls, there would be a meeting set up to discuss the problem.  Or if things weren’t working out as well as the head nun wanted to run things, there would be a meeting as well.  There were a lot of meetings.

In those meetings and at a very young age of thirteen, I could make out that these meetings were just a way for the nun to talk to a group of us, time management, to get us to see things her way.  Here we were a group of ten or fifteen of us, considered older kids in the cottage, and we would sit around in a semicircle on the floor.  You would think that the gang of us against one nun, would once in a while sway things our way.  But no, the nun would stand above us girls on the floor and pace around us and intimidate us into promising this that and the other.

What about support groups today?  I lost a child to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, otherwise known as Crib Death, years ago.  I took the advice of my family doctor and went to a support group.  Once again, there we were in chairs while the psychologist tried to hold us together.  She/he would pry into our experiences and have us all crying.  What was the point of that?

I didn’t want to hear everyone’s story.  I didn’t want everyone to hear my story.  How could being in a group help one person let alone a group of us?  I left after three visits.  I tried again years later for Multiple Sclerosis.  It was the same thing all over again.  What was the point?  They certainly couldn’t heal us.  Sure, some people loved rehashing things over and over again.  They seemed to thrive on that.  In fact, they wallowed in it.  I, on the other hand, hated it.

I did not want to hear other’s stories.  I did not want to hear about another bizarre symptom that someone experienced.  I felt that if I listened to these stories enough times, I might start imagining that it was happening to me as well.  I also felt that if I heard another symptom of MS and could relate to that person or story, that I would land up running out of the room screaming.  No, I was better to wallow in it on my own because in wallowing, eventually I would get tired of it.  Once I grew tired of it, I would want to pull myself out of my pity party.  That is a positive way to get through it.  My inner core personality is a positive and reflective one.

The way I see things is that you have to help yourself.  Sure it’s good to find people like you with similar stories, but not to have a pity party.  A group would be better served by going out.  Go to a movie or go bowling.  Anything at all that would make us feel more whole and for a while, feel as though we weren’t alone.

I already knew that I was just a tiny blip in the scheme of things but in my world, I was a huge blip that mattered to me.  Luckily, I have the ability to stand outside of myself, take a look at me, and then go about getting the necessary things needed to hold me up.  Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t, but for me; that was no one’s business but my own.

MY TAKE ON THIS

Sheesh, I sound so negative here.  I’m sorry if I do but I say it like it is.  I’m suffering right now and I’m afraid I will need another surgery, so I’m foaming at the mouth spitting at everyone.  Didn’t mean for you to get spittle all over you.

There is no positive thing I can say right now.  I look over the blog and I can sense a person who is hurting.  I don’t know what to say to her right now.  If you do, go ahead and support her.

P.S.  Don’t feel like proofing this right now.  Going to bed.  Please forgive any mistakes.

Time To Take The Pills…What? Again?

hamburger-pillsI go to a specialty clinic in New Jersey for Multiple Sclerosis called the Linda E. Cardinale Center. Here I visit with my favorite Doctor who deals with MS and only MS. He is the head of the center and is well renowned.

I see him every 3 to 6 months depending on how I’m feeling. I was past due for a visit but landed up in the hospital which delayed my visit with him yet again.

It was a beautiful day for a drive out there which takes us about 45 minutes. The nice thing about the drive as well, is that it locks my husband and I of nearly 30 years of marriage into a small compartment (car) where we talk about issues we normally don’t give ourselves time to.

After talking to my Doctor for awhile, I was remonstrated for not being on my therapeutic drug for MS. To be honest, I don’t know that it helps, but he thinks that it at least keeps things stable or slower.

I told him about my hospital stay and my visit to Chicago, and he told me that I wouldn’t come back to the me that I was before the hospitalization and the stress of Chicago for at least 6 to 8 months. I already knew this from previous setbacks. He also indicated that it will take longer and longer to come back as time moves on, if I come back to normal (for me) at all.

You know what? I just hate getting slugged around with bad news one after another. He poked around on me, as usual and with his little hammer knocked me in the arms, they went flying, then he poked me in the knees and as before, could not illicit any movement whatsoever.

He told me my head was starting to lean over more and that I should move up my appointment for my Botox injections in my neck.

Did you know that? They use Botox in muscles using ultrasound to strengthen muscles. That’s what keeps my head up from the dystonia that I have.

Ok, I hear you. What is dystonia?

Definition: n dystonia:   your muscles contract involuntarily — causing uncontrollable repetitive or twisting movements of the affected body part. Your symptoms may be mild or severe, and may interfere with your performance of many day-to-day tasks. 

Doctors divide dystonia into categories including generalized, focal, segmental and other less common categories. In focal dystonia, the most common category, one part of your body is affected. Generalized dystonia affects most or all of your body. In segmental dystonia, two or more adjacent areas of your body are affected. Some types of dystonia are inherited.

Medications can sometimes improve dystonia symptoms, but inconsistently. In some more-severe cases, surgery may be used to disable or regulate certain brain regions or nerves. (Mayo Clinic)

There you go! My dystonia is in my neck. So it hangs down and to the side. That’s why you usually see my holding my head up in pictures or leaning. I get to see lots of feet and introduce my head to lots of wall bumping because I can’t see ahead. My walls know me very well.

When I got back into the car with my David, I had all these instructions for starting up Aubagio again, and blue slips of paper for medication adjustments etc…..

I am bogged down by pills.

Here is the great thing that happens on these visits! You will have to applaud my David for this.

He knows I’m always down in the mouth when I come out of these visits, so he took me to AC Moore (craft store), where he allowed me to shop for whatever I wanted! He always turns it into a treat day for me.

So hey drugs, you trying to drag me down? You can’t beat my support of my husband who will defeat you each time by having me come home with a huge smile on my face.

Thank you David.

To Know Or Not To Know

It’s been a while since I’ve been in here and I apologize for this.  I’ve had surgery for a hernia I mentioned in an earlier note to you and it is taking me some time to recover.  Meanwhile, I’m having other medical issues and it all parlays into a miasma of chaos in my head such that I find myself unable to think straight.

Having Multiple Sclerosis just adds to the chaos of all these medical issues and adds to the pain and confusion.

I keep touching on the topic of confusion or chaos.  What I’m saying is that it feels like I’m being thrown against a brick wall over and over again and I’m feeling like no sooner do I get over one bruise, another one arises to take its place.

In reading over the last few posts here, I can see that I’ve spiraled downwards into the pity party that I hate so much.  Yes, I have thrown one.  I never said that I don’t throw one once in awhile.  I just didn’t realize it, until lately, that I was in the midst of one.  Now how can one be at a party and not see the road that took one there?  It’s not a party that I’ve invited anyone to because I already know that people don’t like this type of party, nor do I.  So I wrote myself an invitation and attended it on my own.  I didn’t even invite family members.

When family members ask how I am, I do the same thing I always do.  I bounce off the issues and leave them with the impression that things are difficult, but hey, I can handle it just fine.  What’s amazing to me is that the people who are the closest to me are often the easiest ones to fool.  Why is that?  I think it’s because oftentimes, it is easier to feel that the so-called obligatory phone call, now and then, is sufficient to keep the sense of guilt away at not having touched based with a family member who is chronically ill.  I don’t know.  It’s not my place to guess at what makes someone else tick.  I hate calls like that anyway.

Call me if you have something to say or because you really miss me or truly want my phone company.  Don’t call me just to say, “just wondering how you are and blah blah blah.”   This is probably a truthful sentence from someone who hasn’t been in touch with you for quite some time, but it’s not a truthful sentence from someone who is just a “let your fingers do the walking” away and could be in touch with you within seconds of any day or night.

Do I sound a bit angry?  Yes.  In truth. it’s not a pity party.  It’s more like an “I’m sick of half truths here and don’t throw them my way because I have enough garbage to deal with.

Is this what this blog is about?  No.  My mind is jumping around from topic to topic faster than I can acknowledge that I’ve even had a thought on any given subject.

What’s frightening me is that I’m very much aware of what is happening to me which makes what is happening to me even scarier than it would be if I was unaware of it.  I can’t even bring myself to talk about it right now.  Even if I did talk about it there are so many blissfully unaware insensitive people who will come up with the same inane ignorant comments of things like, “Oh everyone goes through that when they age”, or “I go through that all the time,” or “My (mother, sister, aunt, brother, etc…) went through something like that but then it went away.”

It matters not who the heck has been through it before.  What matters is, have they been aware that they were going through it?  That paints a different picture on the whole story.

I’m going to quit before I dig myself into a hole so deep I won’t be able to crawl out of it. I need a pain pill.  I’m going to take one and hope it knocks me out for a bit.  Perhaps when I wake up I’ll be able to see just 5 minutes ahead of me instead of the rest of my life in front of me living in a condition I don’t wish to be in along with Multiple Sclerosis.

Before everything else that can go wrong goes wrong.

 

Multiple Sclerosis Is A Pain!

I am so pissed off.  I don’t know what happened.  I have been working on my book trying to get it done in December.  I’ve had no problems with accessing it.  Now, for some unknown reason, the file was saved to Drop Box and is nowhere to be found.  The desktop icon that I was using to access my file, now says “shortcut”.  Huh?  I have spent hours looking for it and I can’t do it.  I’ve sent a message to my son on Skype in the hopes that he can find it for me.  He’s a techie.

I’ve been so tense lately.  A few weeks ago, I bent down to pet my two dogs when suddenly I just toppled over.  I fell on my knees first and then my hands.  I landed up laying on my stomach while my dogs licked my face.  I’m glad they were happy.  It’s been several weeks since this happened and my knee still hurts, but it’s getting better.

Then there is this business with my eyes.  I had cataract surgery on both eyes.  One was done and then 3 weeks later the other.  I’ve been walking around with halos and blurry vision in one eye.  It’s supposed to get better but so far it hasn’t.  I’m seeing the eye doctor on Friday and hopefully he will help me out.

Insomnia is wearing me down.  I drag around all day having narcoleptic episodes all day long.  I wake up with things on the floor that I was holding while my youngest puppy is delighted with something new to play with.  Holding coffee in my hands is another thing.  I wake up almost screaming because hot coffee has spilled all over me.  I have to clean up that mess.

A few weeks ago, I was complaining about not going out.  Now all I want to do is stay home.  The idea of going out exhausts me just thinking about it.  I tell my husband that we will do this or that and then five minutes later, I’ve changed my mind.  I change it back again.  then I change yet again.  This goes on and on until finally it’s too late to do anything.

I’m still seeing double.  So now I know that it wasn’t my eyes but it’s due to Multiple Sclerosis.  You wouldn’t think so, at least I wouldn’t think so, but it’s incredibly aggravating to see twins of everything.  I try to pick up something and I miss it.  Or I go to put something down and I miss that also.  Whatever I was planning on putting down now tumbles to the floor.

I was baking the other day and my cup of flour that I was trying to put into a bowl, dropped onto the counter and the floor.  I missed the bowl completely.  So I had to clean that mess up as well.

It’s like everything is acting up all at once.  I hate the spasms and the impingement of a nerve in my neck.  Those two are extremely painful and make me cry out when they happen.  The spasms are in my legs.  I can feel it creeping up on me.  It doesn’t matter if I’m sitting or standing.

I realize that I’m in full blown exacerbation.  Or maybe this is it for me.  This could be how I will be for the duration.  My Doctor felt I was no longer Relapsing/Remitting MS.  I’m not willing to accept that yet.  “This too shall pass”.  That’s what I always told myself when I became ill because I knew I would come out of it.

For those of you who don’t know, with Remitting/Relapsing MS, you get ill and numerous things happen at once.  You become very ill.  Oftentimes, at least with me, this leads to hospitalization and IV steroids.  Then you go home with pill steroids and taper off.  This helps to hasten the relapse part of MS.

When you come out of it, you don’t come back as you were.  You come back with a bit more disability.  You’re almost new but you’re not.  That’s the problem with MS.  Over time, these all add up to a cumulative effect of becoming more frail and vulnerable.  You slowly spiral downwards.

It’s all a mess.  You struggle hard to keep up the journey forward but it’s like walking against the tide of water in the ocean that is unpredictable.  In a way, you sort of relapse/remit every day as well.  You go through periods of time where you feel almost normal and then in an hour you feel terrible and the day is shot.

I gather you all can guess that it’s been a difficult time for me.  I’ve had six surgeries this year and I need another one.

My usual chipper blogs, well they weren’t chipper but they ended with a positive outlook.

Let’s see what I can do here.  You guessed it…..

 

MY SPIN ON THIS:

Let’s face it.  It’s not only us who suffer from difficult things in life.  There are so many things that go wrong in any person’s day-to-day activities.  There are many other conflicts that we all deal with whether they are psychological, personal such as abusive, stress over children and home, and on and on.

It’s how we handle all this that measures who we are as people.  Don’t do it for someone else but for yourself.  I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me.  I’m too old for those games, however; I do care how I feel about myself when I lay down to rest at night.  

This doesn’t mean that I don’t cry, mope, scream, laugh hysterically, and shake my head over the inexplicable and uncontrollable events that suddenly pop up in front of me. We’re not looking for it to happen, we bang right into it.  Taken by surprise, we react in many different ways.

So it’s up to us to decide how we’re going to deal with it once we get over the shock of it all.  Do we lay down and immerse ourselves in the tiniest and rudimentary pain of it all, or do we stand up in pain and continue on?  

I know, personally, many who seem to have given up.  What happens to them?  They get worse much quicker than they need to.  If it hurts too much to walk and they start using a wheelchair all the time, their legs waste away.  There’s a thousand things and ways that they quickly start to lose control of their bodies.  Once they get that ill, they lose control over their emotions.  At least this is my opinion from watching people I know.  

I ask you, why do that to yourself?  All of this will happen anyway but why speed things along?  I have a few answers to that question but this is not a blog on psychology.  

I prefer to stand in pain, but I’m standing.  Walk in pain but I’m walking.  Go out in pain, but I’m out of my house.  Go to dinner with high hopes that I can stand the restaurant’s noise and people chattering, but I know I will leave the table before dinner is over.  At least I went out to dinner.  As so on and so forth.  You get the idea.

It’s your choice.  Choose.  For right now, I’ve got dinner on the stove and my husband will be home shortly.  I’m in extreme pain, but hubby works all day and comes home to me, half the woman I used to be.  He panders to me all night.  The least I can do is make him a nice dinner.

Time?

sena-20clock2I have had so much time to think lately.  I don’t think I care for it.  The gift of ‘thinking time’ comes along with a lot of pain from recovering from one thing or another which as you know means pain.  There is no right answer as to whether this prolonged period to think about things is good or bad.  I would hazard a guess that it’s both.

I had a fall the other day.  It was because I bent over to pet my dogs while standing and not holding on to something.  Dogs being dogs were excited.  They were jumping up at me and leaning up against me to get their share of the petting.  I lost my balance and fell forward onto my hands and knees.  Mind you, these dogs were not a large-breed dog but two tiny Chihuahuas.  I weigh a lot more than they do but these days, a drifting feather could knock me over.

It took a friend’s help to get me up off the floor.  I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t stand up on my own when I could before.  I tried my usual technique but gave up and called my friend.  I had injured my knee, nothing major, but enough to prevent me from getting up.  There was simply too much pain.  My friend asked me about my wrists and I told her they were fine but yesterday they started hurting as well, particularly the right one.  This just happens to be the one that has carpal tunnel syndrome.

I had a carpal tunnel repair on my left wrist about a year ago and I should have done the right one as well.  I was too afraid to be without both wrists at the same time.

You know what I hate?  I hate that the last few blogs of mine sound and read like other blogs where all people do is complain about issues…all their aches and pains.  However, in order to explain all this time I have to think, I need to go into how I have this time in the first place.

Normally, I keep busy with a dozen different projects but with all these surgeries, falls, and the ongoing recovery not only from the physical aftermath of such activities, the repercussions that it has on my Multiple Sclerosis to boot.

My Neurologist tells me that it takes anywhere from six to eight months to recover from any one of the things I’ve gone through to get back to baseline in the MS sense.  The way I figure it, I’ll be in my grave snug as a bug with the critters therein, before I catch up to my baseline.

Another year flips over on the calendar for me tomorrow and perhaps that is why I’m thinking about time.  Time past, lost time, wasted time, and all the other zillion words you can place before the word time.

What’s bugging me right now is wasted time when time is a hot commodity in my lifespan.  I know!  I can hear you shouting at me!  “What about five minutes at a time?”

“Hey, it’s my rule and I have the right to break it occasionally!”

Do we all do this, I wonder?  Do we change our inner lives to meet the expectations of someone else in our life?  Is this being true to ourselves?  Have we lived a lie?  Have we just settled?  Have we become so adjusted to someone else’s life that it becomes what we perceive to be what we desire?

If we’ve been happy, how much happier could we have been had we been true to ourselves?  If we’ve been partially happy, the same question.  If we have known all along that we weren’t living the life we wanted to, why did we do it?

Is it easier to lie to ourselves than to admit to our self that we’re unhappy because then we would feel compelled to do something about it?  Worse yet, what if we knew we should feel compelled but decided not to change a thing?  Was it easier to make do?

Worst of all, what if the person we were with was the person we wanted to be with but that person was not capable of living in your world?  You had to conform to be in their world!  Would that make you a self-sacrificing person for love or would it make you simply stupid?

Is this what happens to someone who is sitting around waiting to heal?  Think about things that require answers if you want peace of mind.

I’ve taken all this time that I have to answer some of these questions that pertain to my life.  It came as a surprise to me, some of my answers.  Let me rephrase that.  Put on paper, it gave me clarity where I wasn’t necessarily looking for clarity.

You see, I had some time on my hands.  Did I waste my time?  Nope.  I think whether you have Multiple Sclerosis or some other disease that has you sitting around with time as a companion, that you may as well answer these questions, and then a whole slew of other questions I’m sure will occur to me before I go to meet my maker.

Maybe this is the natural process of aging.  We can do less, so we think more.  Which brings me to my last question.

Why could we not see so clearly when we were healthy?