Diggin’ It

diggin itThis is no time for excuses, I think to myself.  I’m back from surgery for a hernia repair, one of many.  This was a particularly difficult one since it was repairing a repair of a hernia.  I landed up with a swelling, called a seroma, that was the size of a football.  I’m still walking around with a post surgical tube hanging out of my stomach.  At the end of the tube is a small ball that collects post surgical fluid and blood.  I have to empty it out every night and jot down how much was collected.  This will determine when I will be finally rid of this pain in the ass, or should I say stomach.

The reason I’m complaining about excuses is that it’s so easy for me to fall into a lethargic stupor when I come up with a viable excuse to not do anything.  It’s so easy to fill my days with languid perusal of magazines or online sites that have no relevance to my real life.  It’s easy and it’s fun.  I do manage to fix supper every night, albeit late many nights.

Today, I told myself, “this is no time for excuses.”  I am hard talking myself and slapping myself around in order to snap out of my wanna be state of “oh well”.  Like Scarlett O’Hara saying, “Tomorrow is another day.

It worked!  I went out into my back yard and looked at my abandoned koi pond project begun before my surgery.  I decided to work on it, much to the dismay of my husband.  After all, I’m still running around with a tube dangling from my stomach and a whole line of stitches that runs from my waist nearly all the way to my belly button.

Then I took a fall out by the pond.  I landed up half in and half out of the pond.  I found myself laying back and laughing because the pond was full of muddy water from several days of rain.  I was laying in muddy water.

One half of my body argued with the other half of my body.  The one half that was practical and husband-like told me,

“You have no business out here in the first place.  What are you trying to do; cause yourself another injury?  Get inside and clean up.  If you have to do something, do it inside the house where you are safe.”

The other half of my body argued back.

“Feel the mud!  I feel like a kid making a big mud pie.  I’m not hurt so what’s the harm?  Feel how squishy the mud is between my toes?  I lost my sandal somewhere in the water.  It’s not that deep anyway.  It’s probably easier to dig up the dirt anyway even if the water weighs it down.  I can’t tell what I’m digging because I can’t see it, but I can feel it with my feet.  This is so much fun!”

After a couple of hours of “fun”, the other half of me finally won out.  So both sides were now in agreement again.  I dragged my muddy body with my shovel out of the hole and turned around to see what I had accomplished.  I laughed when I saw that one couldn’t tell because of the water in the pond.  But I knew, and with that sense of knowing, I felt proud that I did it even if my body did complain later on and into tomorrow over my aches and pains.

Multiple Sclerosis aside, this was as close to normal as I have felt in quite some time.  I was stubborn, and determined to do what others might think I shouldn’t do.  The world does not revolve around them, it revolved around me today.

 

Advertisements

TRY TO REMEMBER

Im confusedI’ve been seeing the man in the moon into the wee hours of the morning.  Every time I try to sleep, I can only do so for a couple of hours and then I’m up again.  I’m told I have very dark circles under my eyes.  I didn’t need to be told.

My mirror reflects back at me the sight of a woman who appears ill.  If I go through the whole makeup routine, then the mirror reflects back at me a woman who appears ill with too much makeup.

I have been busy with so many things that I don’t have time to think.  In fact, the actual thinking that I can do, is mostly disparate pieces of puzzles, floating around in my brain looking for another piece to lock onto to form an entire picture.  That’s not how my brain works any more.

For those of you interested, I have a favorite app that I use for doing jigsaws on the computer.  It’s called Brainsbreaker.  Click on the word and it will take you to the link.  It’s a great way of taking your mind off things.

There is not much to write about when you don’t go out.  I feel like a recluse.  Having given up my car which I regret doing, I find myself like a bird in a cage, looking forlornly out through the bars.  Even if that bird was let out, his wings have been clipped, so he can no longer fly.  If anything, he could hop around from one location to another, but he would still be a caged bird with just different cage walls to look through.

My life at home, of late, has been one of oil painting, playing games on the computer, Facebook, composing songs then painstakingly putting the notes into the score.  Then repeating the whole process when I add a new instruments to the score.

I also keep busy writing my book and in here, although it doesn’t appear that I’ve done much in here lately.

Confusion, insomnia, incontinence, tremors, spasms (spasticity), optic neuritis, falls, loss of balance, hearing problems, paresthesias, peripheral edema, incredible fatigue, chronic iron deficiency, extreme vitamin D deficiency, congestive heart failure (CHF), chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD),  allergies, and a huge seroma in my gut that will be removed in two weeks.  It’s larger than a football.  Add to that a failed carpal tunnel surgery.  I’m sure I’ve forgotten some things but you get the picture.

This is my life with MS.  My days can be nightmarish and usually, people would get their restorative sleep at night.  Oh no!  The man in the moon wants to go dancing!  I waltz away with him till I am literally drooping in his arms.  I’m sure there is a large blotch on the moon to human eyes if someone knew where to look through a telescope. That would be me in the arms of the ever present moon.  He does hide sometimes.  He has a right to his days.

I’m not complaining.  I sometimes put everything down so that I can take a critical eye to the list.  I wish it were a “To Do” list so that I could scratch things off as I heal.  No.  This list is permanently penned to my refrigerator with indelible ink.

If I complain about anything, it would be the discombobulated thinking that I live with.  I actually have a “To Do” list.  I see something that I can do and I start to do it until something else occurs to me.  So then I need to go do that.  However, before I finish that, something else pops into my head.  This goes on all day.  At the end of the day, I have all these things half finished.

Do I finish them the next day?  More than likely not.  I move on with new things that need doing which adds to the confusion in my home and in my brain.  Oftentimes I look at something and don’t know why I was doing what I was doing to it.  I think, “What in the world?”

My other chief complaint is precisely what I wrote above.  My memory.  I don’t know why it keeps playing games with me.  If it were a separate entity from me standing right in front of me, I would smack it upside its head and tell it to get its act together.

I try to remember things.  Say I’m in the bathroom and think that I need to purchase milk.  I tell myself to write it down on the pad that is on the fridge.  By the time I wash my hands and walk out the door, I have forgotten about it.  I will go to the fridge and stand there wondering why I went there.  I open the door and pull out a can of something or other to drink.  Later on in the day, I will think.  Oh I need to get milk.  The whole thing starts all over again.

The fatigue  This is too comprehensive to talk about right now.  I will tell myself to write about it.  LOL

I hope I remember.