Then Was Then This is Now.

that-was-then-this-is-now-quote-coeurblondeHello again,

I wrote a lot about the pains in my legs.  I also wrote about the treatment I had been getting for these pains both bad and good.  I believe I left off with seeing a new Pain Management Doctor under advisement of my Internist.  The plan with the new Doctor was to go ahead and try another shot in my L5-S1 joints of my spine.  He decided to do it bilaterally, meaning that since each disc of the spine has two nerves coming out of it, both right and left sides, that it made more sense to do the shot on both sides.

It’s been about four days since the shot.  I’m feeling better.  It’s not to say that the pain is completely gone, but I’m feeling almost normal again.  I hold my breath each morning when I wake up.  I take tentative steps out of bed hoping that how I felt the previous day is maintaining the status quo.  Sure enough, it has.  Let’s see how long this last.

Between my Internal Doctor adjusting some of my meds to the maximum dosage and the shots, I think I may land up having a decent summer.  I’m so grateful.

Moving on to other bits and pieces of living life with Multiple Sclerosis.

Many of my medical caregivers are impressed with how I’m still standing on my feet, digging ponds in my back yard, and the list goes on.  They are also impressed with my mental attitude given the history of Depression with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  (There was a time I would not have mentioned my mental illness let alone write it for the whole world to see).

I’m not impressed.  For me, I don’t know any other way to live my life but to fight.  It comes natural to me.  My life has been an uphill battle since I was a child, so fighting to live my life my way is the norm.

I don’t want to write about how terrible MS is.  Sure, it is extremely difficult and can be very painful for some.  Not all of us progress the same way.  I’m at a stage where I’m very symptomatic all the time.  This doesn’t mean I want to wallow in it.  I don’t want to use this written venue to spout out how terrible I feel.

I give you the facts.  I tell you everything I’m going through.  However, I don’t pontificate about the woes of it all.  There are times when I do express my deepest thoughts.  What made me cry, what upset me, and so forth.  But again, these are facts.  This is my life.  This is not a venue, at least for me, where I’m expecting claps on the back for being strong or whatever.

For me, this venue is about educating people about Multiple Sclerosis and what can happen to a person along the way.  Armed with this information, they are aware and can be prepared, should these very issues happen to them.

Sure, there are times when I’m miserable, like these past eight months with intractable pain with no relief in sight.  However, for the time being at least, there is relief.  Should the pain return, then we’ll try something else.

I was delighted that I was able to treat my husband to a Father’s Day dinner.  The amazing thing about it was that I was able to sit on a chair without wiggling the whole time trying to find a pain free way of sitting, and that I sat through the entire dinner without having to get up early and wait for my husband outside while he paid the check.

Then was then and now is now.  What happened before is now history and today is a new page in history.  I concentrate on what is important and don’t bemoan what is lost.  There is no point in it.

This isn’t something learned overnight.  I believe that one must go through a learning period of comprehending this.  When you get tired of hearing yourself talk, then you know it’s time to change your perspective.  When you get tired of reading your own words, then it’s time to change something.

I’ve gotten to a point where I just can’t tolerate being by people who are stuck in a rut and won’t take the helping hand in front of them to pull them out.  They insist on staying there believing that everyone else wants to hear them wailing from the rut, that they can’t get out.  I don’t want to hear about it and I don’t want to read about it.

I am not looking for sympathy.  I’m looking for solutions.  I’m grateful when someone comments about how they like reading my words.  I appreciate that because it takes effort and thought to do it.  I give to you with my words in the hopes that you come to understand the life of people like me.

I try to stay in touch with other MSers but not when they drag me down.  I can’t afford to be dragged down.  If they need help and they ask for it, I will gladly give it to them.  I don’t have the strength to try and pull someone out of the rut if they in turn, try to pull me in with them.

We all have our reasons for writing.  They have just as much right to this venue as I do.  This doesn’t mean we have to like each other’s blogs.  Some of these bloggers are excellent writers.  They use their blogs to satisfy their own needs, whether it is like my reasons or for their own reasons.  Kudos to them.

What it all boils down to is if I’m going to spend my time writing, I would like to think that I do it well and that I give people food for thought.  Other writers are also giving people food for thought.  I’m proud of all us bloggers who write about this disease called Multiple Sclerosis.  It’s important that people read all our blogs to see the effect it has on us at various stages of the disease.  How different we all are and yet, how similar we are.

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Then What?

clock tickingThe night spreads its blanket over the house and the dogs have taken their places for a night’s sleep.  My husband has gone upstairs to bed.  All feels settled down and calm.  I love this feeling where I am with my man in the moon secluded while the stars twinkle around us.

I am watching the time on my computer.  Nothing to eat after midnight.  I am worried and more than a little scared.  With each tick of the clock I am drawing closer to the fact that tomorrow I will undergo yet another surgery.  This time it is for removal of 4 discs in my neck.

I am impinged.  Meaning my cervical spine is being compressed by offensive discs.  They intend to cut my neck in the front, draw aside my esophagus and anything else in the way, then uncover my spine.  The discs will be removed and then a tube will be placed where the discs once lived.  All will be well according to the surgeon’s standard, but will it?

It’s been nearly four months of agonizing pain.  Through the dawning of each day and the setting of the sun, I have lived with this pain, unrelenting and worsening as the days passed, I suffered mostly in silence.  However, there have been many days and late nights where I have succumbed to loudly screaming and giving in to the waves of tears that I have held back.

I’ve taken pain pills and waited for the wash of not caring so much about the pain.  The pain pills cut into the pain but does not take it away.

Will this surgery help my legs even though the cervical spine mostly controls the upper body?  Will I be freed from this unrelenting and excruciating pain?  Will I be able to walk with my unstable MS gait but be free of pain?  Will I not care about finding a way to sit or lay in bed where I can find some relief?   Will the pain of a surgery that takes 3-4 hours give way and give me back my freedom of knowing what it feels like to have little pain in my legs?

I have a million thoughts running through my head.  If this doesn’t work then what, I asked my MS neurologist.  He shrugged and told me to work with my pain management doctors.  I looked at him and burst into tears.  I can’t take this anymore.

I will have an EMG exam following the surgery and when I’m feeling up to it to try and isolate what nerve or nerves are being affected.  Perhaps I won’t need this painful test?

Then what?

My Take on This

There is no take on this.  It is what it is.  I can only wait and watch the clock ticking.  I have no delusion or faith that this will work.  Hope for the best?   I can’t.  I’m too tired to even try.

The clock ticks away.  I sit here with the man in the moon waiting for then what?