Time?

sena-20clock2I have had so much time to think lately.  I don’t think I care for it.  The gift of ‘thinking time’ comes along with a lot of pain from recovering from one thing or another which as you know means pain.  There is no right answer as to whether this prolonged period to think about things is good or bad.  I would hazard a guess that it’s both.

I had a fall the other day.  It was because I bent over to pet my dogs while standing and not holding on to something.  Dogs being dogs were excited.  They were jumping up at me and leaning up against me to get their share of the petting.  I lost my balance and fell forward onto my hands and knees.  Mind you, these dogs were not a large-breed dog but two tiny Chihuahuas.  I weigh a lot more than they do but these days, a drifting feather could knock me over.

It took a friend’s help to get me up off the floor.  I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t stand up on my own when I could before.  I tried my usual technique but gave up and called my friend.  I had injured my knee, nothing major, but enough to prevent me from getting up.  There was simply too much pain.  My friend asked me about my wrists and I told her they were fine but yesterday they started hurting as well, particularly the right one.  This just happens to be the one that has carpal tunnel syndrome.

I had a carpal tunnel repair on my left wrist about a year ago and I should have done the right one as well.  I was too afraid to be without both wrists at the same time.

You know what I hate?  I hate that the last few blogs of mine sound and read like other blogs where all people do is complain about issues…all their aches and pains.  However, in order to explain all this time I have to think, I need to go into how I have this time in the first place.

Normally, I keep busy with a dozen different projects but with all these surgeries, falls, and the ongoing recovery not only from the physical aftermath of such activities, the repercussions that it has on my Multiple Sclerosis to boot.

My Neurologist tells me that it takes anywhere from six to eight months to recover from any one of the things I’ve gone through to get back to baseline in the MS sense.  The way I figure it, I’ll be in my grave snug as a bug with the critters therein, before I catch up to my baseline.

Another year flips over on the calendar for me tomorrow and perhaps that is why I’m thinking about time.  Time past, lost time, wasted time, and all the other zillion words you can place before the word time.

What’s bugging me right now is wasted time when time is a hot commodity in my lifespan.  I know!  I can hear you shouting at me!  “What about five minutes at a time?”

“Hey, it’s my rule and I have the right to break it occasionally!”

Do we all do this, I wonder?  Do we change our inner lives to meet the expectations of someone else in our life?  Is this being true to ourselves?  Have we lived a lie?  Have we just settled?  Have we become so adjusted to someone else’s life that it becomes what we perceive to be what we desire?

If we’ve been happy, how much happier could we have been had we been true to ourselves?  If we’ve been partially happy, the same question.  If we have known all along that we weren’t living the life we wanted to, why did we do it?

Is it easier to lie to ourselves than to admit to our self that we’re unhappy because then we would feel compelled to do something about it?  Worse yet, what if we knew we should feel compelled but decided not to change a thing?  Was it easier to make do?

Worst of all, what if the person we were with was the person we wanted to be with but that person was not capable of living in your world?  You had to conform to be in their world!  Would that make you a self-sacrificing person for love or would it make you simply stupid?

Is this what happens to someone who is sitting around waiting to heal?  Think about things that require answers if you want peace of mind.

I’ve taken all this time that I have to answer some of these questions that pertain to my life.  It came as a surprise to me, some of my answers.  Let me rephrase that.  Put on paper, it gave me clarity where I wasn’t necessarily looking for clarity.

You see, I had some time on my hands.  Did I waste my time?  Nope.  I think whether you have Multiple Sclerosis or some other disease that has you sitting around with time as a companion, that you may as well answer these questions, and then a whole slew of other questions I’m sure will occur to me before I go to meet my maker.

Maybe this is the natural process of aging.  We can do less, so we think more.  Which brings me to my last question.

Why could we not see so clearly when we were healthy?

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I Lean!

leaning flowersI never knew that Botox has many other uses until my Multiple Sclerosis Neurologist told me that he could use it on me to solve my problem.  No, I didn’t ask him to take care of the slowly creeping wrinkles on my forehead, or the tiny little spiders weaving their veins around my eyes, or even the problem of keeping lipstick within the confines of my lips since the once pronounced and well-defined borders to kisses are now melting away.  I don’t pucker up that much anymore.zoff the web site botox.com.

Approved Uses:  BOTOX® Cosmetic is a prescription medicine that is injected into muscles and used to temporarily improve the look of both moderate to severe crow’s feet lines and frown lines between the eyebrows in adults.

Much to my surprise, my Doctor wanted to use it on my neck.  Why?

Okay, life is off balance for me.  I mean this literally.  I walk funny, I lean over to the right.  I see double so can’t walk a straight line among many other weird things that happen when you see double.   I jerk.  Get your heads out of the gutter!  I jerk due to Myoclonus.

I apologize for that comment above about jerking.  It’s me who should get my head out of the gutter.

To make a long story short–My Neurologist noticed that my head leans to the right.  I  was already aware of it.  In fact I wanted to mention it to him several times, but always forgot.  That’s why a person should make a list when they go to the doctor.

It gradually dawned on me that I was seeing things from a different perspective than was normal from me.  I mean this literally.  It seemed that I was largely looking at people’s belly buttons or even as far down as their feet and it took great effort to bring my head up to see their faces. Grant you, I’m a short person to begin with, so it’s not unusual for me to be looking at people’s chests prior to bringing my head up to look into their eyes, but this was ridiculous.  What became even worse is when I wasn’t looking at other people’s shoes but at my own.  It was the shortest distance.  Then to top that off, I began to bump into the corners of walls that jutted out because I couldn’t see far enough ahead to notice the wall there.  I gave myself some serious bumps on the head because of that.

Now one would think that I would remember to tell my doctor about these problems when I saw him, but you need to understand that by now, I was seeing my doctor every 3 to 6 months instead of monthly.  By the time I was due for another visit, I had a long list in my head, not written down, that I wanted to discuss with him, so things did fall by the wayside.  Then of course, on the ride home, you remember all the things you wanted to discuss that you didn’t get around to.

What was particularly an irritant to me, was the fact that my body was leaning over to the right as well.  I think my right side of my body was feeling like it too needed to drag along with my head.  It became difficult to sit in a chair without holding myself up with pillows or making sure that I had an armrest to lean on.

Think about all of the things we do that requires sitting down.  Well okay, perhaps “requires” is not the right word.  Let’s rephrase.  Think of all the things we do where we customarily sit down.  There’s a multitude of things during the course of a day, especially if you’re a couch potato.  I’m not one.  What I am is a sit potato.

I sit when I compose music.  I sit when I’m painting my oils.  I sit at the computer.  I sit to knit.  About the only thing I don’t sit down for is to cook, however; I may as well be sitting since I’m so short and am constantly burning my arms reaching over from one pot or another because of my short reach.

Perhaps I look like I’m sitting when I’m walking with all this leaning around that I’m doing, what with being so close to the ground to begin with?  I’m only 4’10”.

With gratitude in my heart, my Neurologist brought up the subject to me. He noticed that I was leaning over.  He said he noticed it in progressive office visits, but like me, forgot to bring it up as well.  Today, however; since I was his first patient of the day and he happened to be walking in just behind us, he had a chance to see how bad it was even while I was walking.

So before this article gets too long, I am going to continue this on the next blog.  It’s a long story about my foray into the world of Botox.

windswepttrees03

My take on this:

Always make a list if you know there is a long visit between doctor visit.  I still don’t do this.  Don’t do as I do, do as I suggest. 

Keep in mind that 90% of all medications whether they are used for something that one commonly knows them to be used for, are usually also used for things that is not so common and in fact, be a complete surprise.