A Reminder to Self

ratty-old-booksSometimes you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you click with that person.  Has that ever happened to you?  It doesn’t matter whether they have Multiple Sclerosis or not.  In the world of mutual admiration, illness takes a back seat.

At the same time, sometimes you meet someone and for some reason they rub you the wrong way.  Getting to know them better, you realize that what you first felt is still how you feel weeks or months later.  Has that ever happened to you?

Then there are strangers whom you haven’t met.  You know what I mean?  For instance, people walking towards you on the sidewalk.  You smile at them and they don’t smile back?  You’ve seen them.  I’m sure you have.  Or are you the type of person that doesn’t smile at strangers?  I smile at them all the time, when I’m out that is, which isn’t very often.  These people look at you and they will react one way or another.

It is evident that something is wrong with you.  Either you are walking with a cane, leaning on someone’s arm, in a wheelchair, or walking like you’re drunk and hanging on the wall of a building.  I know you understand all these scenarios.

I smile.  It’s simply my nature to smile when I catch someone’s eyes.  That’s a weird expression, isn’t it?  (Catch someone’s eyes.)

So okay, I smile at people and some will smile back and others won’t.  Some people will even respond to your smile by uttering a greeting of one kind or another such as, “Good morning.”  Other’s make a point of trying not to look at you.  You can see them glance your way, and then they quickly avert their eyes to something else.  Still there are others who don’t look up at all.  They resolutely stare down at their feet as they walk.

Sometimes the people that you meet have a predetermined impression about you based on your outward appearance.  Aren’t we all guilty of that?  The color of your skin, how fat or skinny you are, tall or short, the way you walk and talk, their perceived intellect of you, pretty or ugly, and the list goes on.  All of these values that people judge each other are subjective, meaning that it is an individual’s perception of these values.

So what am I going on and on about?  I’m not sure!!!  Let me try and remember.  You know what this is like.  Sheesh!

Okay, I’m back.  Have to type fast before it runs away from me again to hide in the dark recesses of my mind, as though playing hide-and-seek with me.

I’m addressing how we react to people when we first see each other and the powerful impressions that are imprinted in heads.  Because of those impressions, we make a value judgement.  Right?

This is highly unlikely with people with MS (Multiple Sclerosis) since many of us are  in wheelchairs, but it’s for the others who read this blog as well.  Then again, some of us with MS also think this way.  Think about it.  We see someone in a wheelchair coming towards us.  Do we say hello or not?  What if the person in the wheelchair is hanging over the side (exaggeration here) and drooling?  Were we going to say hi but changed our minds?  Why did we change our mind? We probably made a judgement decision.  We may not be aware that we did, but we probably did.

We complain about people judging us but I bet if you analyze yourself, you too are judging others.  Practice what you preach?  Yes, I think so.  I know that I am guilty of it but if I become aware that I’m doing it, I make an immediate attitude adjustment or at least try to.

I don’t want people judging me because the symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis can be very obvious, as in my case.  What right do I have to judge others whether I’m in a wheelchair or not?

Being ill does not give us justification to throw away decent human principles.  Having Multiple Sclerosis or any other disease does not give us the right to expect more from society at large than when we ordinarily would expect to receive.  Now I’m talking respect and moral issues.  What’s that old saying by ???  I know it’s in the Bible but it’s in other places as well, even older than the Bible.

“The Golden Rule or law of reciprocity is the principle of treating others as one would wish to be treated oneself. It is a maxim of altruism seen in many human religions and human cultures.[1][2] The maxim may appear as either a positive or negative injunction governing conduct: ” (I looked this up in Wiki.)

So let’s not kid ourselves.  If you want to be treated with kindness, then be kind.  If you want that smile when you walk down the street, smile at them.  If you don’t want others to treat you with disdain, don’t do it to others.

If you expect more than what you give, it ain’t gonna happen.  I’ve found the opposite to be true.  If you give more than what you receive,  oftentimes you are met with disappointment.  That’s no reason to clump people into a Rolodex file under “people I don’t like”.

A good thing we can do for ourselves in every day living is to treat others how we would like to be treated.  It’s difficult but it’s a positive thing to do and it’s medicinal.  Don’t fill your heart with bitterness towards others who treat us unkind.  Instead treat others who are unkind as if they have a disease and they need help!  Then give them the attention that you would like to receive as an ill person.  Remember that what you give is what you’ll get, if not in this world in some other world.

MY TAKE ON THIS:
I don’t know what got into me to write the above.  I think it’s because we went out the other day and I encountered two different types of people.  One didn’t meet my eyes, another did and smiled.  There was another person, now that I think about it, who just stared down at the ground.  I felt sorry for them.
My first impulse was to feel indignant at the person who saw me but didn’t smile and the other person who saw me then glanced away.  Then I got to thinking about why I felt this way.  I suppose I’m telling you what I told myself when I hollered at myself inside my head.  I do that a lot.  Holler at me inside my head.
So take this particular blog for what it is.  A reminder to self to be nicer to people and not to expect special treatment just because I’m ill–and not to judge people by their cover because I don’t want them judging me either.
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Life in the New Year!

cutting-looseAh, the new year is upon us.  Should we celebrate it or not?

It looms before me and if it was anything like last year, I think I’ll press the reset button on my life and hope it takes me back to before last year began.  Six surgeries!  I almost tremble at the thought of what this year might bring.

Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t fear the new year.  I anticipate it just like I anticipate anything new.  It’s like a Christmas gift that one gets where you open the package slowly in anticipation of what it might prove to be.

Just like Multiple Sclerosis.  You just don’t know what the year will be like, but isn’t hat true of anything?    Rather than fear the new year, I think I will embrace it as it unfolds, like a lover where you run kisses up and down his face until you get the reaction you want.  LOL.

I’m sitting here thinking, bring it on! I know I can handle anything this new year will bring me.  Perhaps I will get lucky and face only great things.  Maybe I won’t be so lucky and have a predominantly difficult year.  That’s okay too.  I’ve proven that I can handle many things that I thought I couldn’t.

Add to all the physical problems were the emotional ones to do with family.  It was a traumatic year for my family which of course, rolled on to me.  When they hurt, I hurt. When I hurt, they don’t.  Seems a bit uneven doesn’t it?  I don’t care.  It is what it is.  Their pain is mine, at least it affects me as though it happened to me physically.

The ambiguity of life is common to all living things.  None of us knows what will happen to us even within the scope of my favorite five minutes, the one that is happening right now. For instance, I spill this cup of coffee all over my computer keyboard and in the process I burn my hand.  I don’t care about the hand.  I grab something to wipe the keyboard down with or flip it upside down hoping I caught it in time so that the coffee didn’t have the chance to drip down between the keys.  Dream on.  I’ve never been that lucky.  I move way too slow to catch it in time.

This leads to a ruined keyboard.  I can’t get through a day without a keyboard since I’m primarily a desktop user.  What to do?  I could order one online, but I would have to wait a day or two, if not longer, to get a keyboard in the house.  I could use my husband’s keyboard, but then he’d be without his and he works on his computer daily like I do.  I don’t like it when my battles seep into his daily life, although we all know it does. However, this is something I can do something about.  Let his computer alone and deal with my own problem.

This then leads to, should I buy one sight unseen or should I go down to a store?  The last one  I bought was sight  unseen.  It turned out to be a nice keyboard, as keyboards go. Should I get the same one?  Nah.  Things change during the course of a year.  Technology changes and I’m addicted to the latest and greatest.  Going out to check out the keyboards has a two-fold advantage.  I get out of the house, and of course, I get to check out the latest and greatest.

I find my old keyboard and compare it to the newer keyboards.  They vary in price and in function.  To wired or go wireless?  To go with a mouse included or not?  You get the idea. One event sets off a series of other events.  Should I look ahead and plan for every possible outcome or should I deal with what is happening right in front of me right now?

I can’t sit around and worry about every possible outcome while my keyboard is getting ruined and everything else that is in the way of the path of spilled coffee.  I need to take action right now for what is happening right now.  I need to mop up the spilled milk, then assess my wet keyboard and so forth.  If I take things sequentially and logically, I can deal with it one step at a time.  If I think about it and weight all the possible things I can do, in the meantime, what started out as a bad event grows into a destructive event instead of a minor one.

Okay, so all this leads me to think this about the new year.  Not to worry.  Not to fear.  Not even to plan.  Planning assumes too many things which turns into worries.

I don’t make resolutions because I have too much respect for myself to set myself up for failure.  If I do well with something I would like to improve, this is good.  I think that most things that need improvement will take more than one year to take effect.

I will go my merry way, as merry as I can be, that is.  One step forward leads to another step forward and eventual destination.  Along the way, there will definitely be falls, perhaps some broken bones along with tears of consternation, anger, sadness.  This is the story of life.

All of us can lead a life of being disabled or we can choose a life of being enabled.  My disabilities does not disable me nor does it define me.  My ATTITUDE is what can disable me.

You choose for yourself.

I am enabled by my disability.

 

Multiple Sclerosis Is A Pain!

I am so pissed off.  I don’t know what happened.  I have been working on my book trying to get it done in December.  I’ve had no problems with accessing it.  Now, for some unknown reason, the file was saved to Drop Box and is nowhere to be found.  The desktop icon that I was using to access my file, now says “shortcut”.  Huh?  I have spent hours looking for it and I can’t do it.  I’ve sent a message to my son on Skype in the hopes that he can find it for me.  He’s a techie.

I’ve been so tense lately.  A few weeks ago, I bent down to pet my two dogs when suddenly I just toppled over.  I fell on my knees first and then my hands.  I landed up laying on my stomach while my dogs licked my face.  I’m glad they were happy.  It’s been several weeks since this happened and my knee still hurts, but it’s getting better.

Then there is this business with my eyes.  I had cataract surgery on both eyes.  One was done and then 3 weeks later the other.  I’ve been walking around with halos and blurry vision in one eye.  It’s supposed to get better but so far it hasn’t.  I’m seeing the eye doctor on Friday and hopefully he will help me out.

Insomnia is wearing me down.  I drag around all day having narcoleptic episodes all day long.  I wake up with things on the floor that I was holding while my youngest puppy is delighted with something new to play with.  Holding coffee in my hands is another thing.  I wake up almost screaming because hot coffee has spilled all over me.  I have to clean up that mess.

A few weeks ago, I was complaining about not going out.  Now all I want to do is stay home.  The idea of going out exhausts me just thinking about it.  I tell my husband that we will do this or that and then five minutes later, I’ve changed my mind.  I change it back again.  then I change yet again.  This goes on and on until finally it’s too late to do anything.

I’m still seeing double.  So now I know that it wasn’t my eyes but it’s due to Multiple Sclerosis.  You wouldn’t think so, at least I wouldn’t think so, but it’s incredibly aggravating to see twins of everything.  I try to pick up something and I miss it.  Or I go to put something down and I miss that also.  Whatever I was planning on putting down now tumbles to the floor.

I was baking the other day and my cup of flour that I was trying to put into a bowl, dropped onto the counter and the floor.  I missed the bowl completely.  So I had to clean that mess up as well.

It’s like everything is acting up all at once.  I hate the spasms and the impingement of a nerve in my neck.  Those two are extremely painful and make me cry out when they happen.  The spasms are in my legs.  I can feel it creeping up on me.  It doesn’t matter if I’m sitting or standing.

I realize that I’m in full blown exacerbation.  Or maybe this is it for me.  This could be how I will be for the duration.  My Doctor felt I was no longer Relapsing/Remitting MS.  I’m not willing to accept that yet.  “This too shall pass”.  That’s what I always told myself when I became ill because I knew I would come out of it.

For those of you who don’t know, with Remitting/Relapsing MS, you get ill and numerous things happen at once.  You become very ill.  Oftentimes, at least with me, this leads to hospitalization and IV steroids.  Then you go home with pill steroids and taper off.  This helps to hasten the relapse part of MS.

When you come out of it, you don’t come back as you were.  You come back with a bit more disability.  You’re almost new but you’re not.  That’s the problem with MS.  Over time, these all add up to a cumulative effect of becoming more frail and vulnerable.  You slowly spiral downwards.

It’s all a mess.  You struggle hard to keep up the journey forward but it’s like walking against the tide of water in the ocean that is unpredictable.  In a way, you sort of relapse/remit every day as well.  You go through periods of time where you feel almost normal and then in an hour you feel terrible and the day is shot.

I gather you all can guess that it’s been a difficult time for me.  I’ve had six surgeries this year and I need another one.

My usual chipper blogs, well they weren’t chipper but they ended with a positive outlook.

Let’s see what I can do here.  You guessed it…..

 

MY SPIN ON THIS:

Let’s face it.  It’s not only us who suffer from difficult things in life.  There are so many things that go wrong in any person’s day-to-day activities.  There are many other conflicts that we all deal with whether they are psychological, personal such as abusive, stress over children and home, and on and on.

It’s how we handle all this that measures who we are as people.  Don’t do it for someone else but for yourself.  I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me.  I’m too old for those games, however; I do care how I feel about myself when I lay down to rest at night.  

This doesn’t mean that I don’t cry, mope, scream, laugh hysterically, and shake my head over the inexplicable and uncontrollable events that suddenly pop up in front of me. We’re not looking for it to happen, we bang right into it.  Taken by surprise, we react in many different ways.

So it’s up to us to decide how we’re going to deal with it once we get over the shock of it all.  Do we lay down and immerse ourselves in the tiniest and rudimentary pain of it all, or do we stand up in pain and continue on?  

I know, personally, many who seem to have given up.  What happens to them?  They get worse much quicker than they need to.  If it hurts too much to walk and they start using a wheelchair all the time, their legs waste away.  There’s a thousand things and ways that they quickly start to lose control of their bodies.  Once they get that ill, they lose control over their emotions.  At least this is my opinion from watching people I know.  

I ask you, why do that to yourself?  All of this will happen anyway but why speed things along?  I have a few answers to that question but this is not a blog on psychology.  

I prefer to stand in pain, but I’m standing.  Walk in pain but I’m walking.  Go out in pain, but I’m out of my house.  Go to dinner with high hopes that I can stand the restaurant’s noise and people chattering, but I know I will leave the table before dinner is over.  At least I went out to dinner.  As so on and so forth.  You get the idea.

It’s your choice.  Choose.  For right now, I’ve got dinner on the stove and my husband will be home shortly.  I’m in extreme pain, but hubby works all day and comes home to me, half the woman I used to be.  He panders to me all night.  The least I can do is make him a nice dinner.

Call Me A Jerk

Hello my dear friends,

Today and the previous two days my myoclonic jerks and/or dystonia have been acting up.  Just call me a jerk.

UnknownI’ve been so spasmodic that my husband’s face was creased with worry.  He demanded that I go back to bed.  It was a good thing to do.  I was slipping and sliding in my chair because I could not control the jerks that propelled me forward inch by inch towards the end of the chair, and eventually, I would be on the floor writhing in agony.

You see, I also have a form of Dystonia.  I forget which one my Neurologist told me, but he rattled it off on my last visit.  He said, “You know that you have?????? dystonia, don’t you?”  I was surprised.  He said, “not only do you have MS but you have a secondary disease of ??? dystonia.”  I stared at him looking dumb.  I replied finally, “Great, just great.”  I knew I had myoclonic jerks, but I didn’t know that I had a second disease.

All of what is happening to me these days is because of stress.  My quality of life is a daunting challenge and I have to fight every day for some form of normalcy.  I mean, my kind of normalcy, which we all know is also challenging.

The cause of all this stress is my upcoming surgery on Thursday.  My surgery is unrelated to Multiple Sclerosis or Dystonia.  This surgery will be attended by two Doctors and will take 3-5 hours.  I have good reason to be concerned which I won’t go into here.

slideshow_1259634_131408-clocksI have to focus on my 5-minutes at a time.  If I didn’t, I would be a mess right now.  However, the stress is still there even if you have a plastered smile on your face and I’m good at wearing a smile despite everything in my life.  Surprisingly, it works in that once you have a smile on your face, although it is “put on” in the morning, you find yourself living that smile.

My take on all this:

Stress is not always evident by your physical nature, however; it finds it way to the surface psychologically of physically in due course.  When it becomes evident to you and others by your body’s reactions to every day occurrences, then it’s time to figure out what may be causing that stress.  Once you know what it is then you can find a way to deal with it.  When you can’t find a way to deal with it, take your day in small increments and handle it that way.

I sit here hoping to hear your prayers on Thursday with a smile on my face taking my life 5 minutes at a time.  Sure, I’m still jerking around all over the place but that can’t be helped.  There is no way to take away the underlying fear of surgery.

I will happily jerk my way until Thursday at which point I will probably succumb to tears.  Meanwhile, I am as ever, a jerk.

Frazzled

health_drvisitI have been running around all week going to one Doctor then another.  I am having surgery on the 1st of September.  I have a huge incisional hernia that has been bothering me.  Isn’t Multiple Sclerosis enough?  My cup overfloweth!

As I think about you, wondering how you are, I sit here trying to communicate with you and longing to see you.  There is nothing and no one like someone else who has the same identifying disease, Multiple Sclerosis, who could understand the emotions that run through head and heart during times of stress.

Surprisingly for me, I am having a difficult time following my own philosophy of “Five Minutes”.  I will have this up soon for you to look at.  Those of you who are following me or give a “Like” on my blog will get a free copy.  I am failing miserably at this theory.  I have to read the E-book myself to boost myself up.

My husband is very worried as well.  I will have two surgeons at my side and will be under anesthesia for about 4 hours or more.

I hate anesthesia.  When they try to put me to sleep, I fight it, which is pointless.  I think it’s because I hate being completely out of control of my body.  Secondly, I’m afraid I won’t wake up from nothingness, not even dreams live in that anesthetic state.  Thirdly, it’s a bit insane to allow yourself to be taken under to nowhere so that people can look at you at your worst, then look and muddle their way inside of you  in places that you haven’t seen yourself.  In a way, physically at least, they know more about your body than you do.  It’s a very intimate knowledge.

On top of my sundae, there is always a cherry on top.  This cherry is finding out that I will need to have cataract surgery on both eyes.  One eye will be done in October and two weeks later, the second eye.  Isn’t this fun?

It would be great to hear from more of you to hold me up in spirit during these difficult days.

But wait!!!  Let’s do a—

My Spin On This

Okay.  Let’s do my thing here.  I will analyze myself.   What is your problem, Maggie.  Why are you ignoring your own rules?  Why are you in a panic over a surgery?  I know you had sepsis once but that’s old news.  You can’t compare one to another.  You can’t or shouldn’t project about what happened in the past to a situation that is going to happen in the future.  What happened to living right here and right now?  So give yourself a slap upside the head and be a good example for your family and friends.  Yeah, the people reading this are your friends too.  Why else would they spend their precious time reading all your stuff.  So forget about all of it.  Just concentrate on what you’re doing and do it well.  Okay?

Hmpf!!!!!!

 

Lonely

lonely2There are days that I hate.  Today is one of them.

What makes certain days intolerable in my life with Multiple Sclerosis?  It’s a day where I’ve gotten up, showered and dressed, put on makeup and did my hair, and when done; I have nowhere to go and nothing to do.

It’s so hot!  I’ve already talked about heat intolerance, but that’s not what this is about.  This is about, almost without thought, the awakening of my spirit to the outside world and wanting to be a part of it.  I get up and do what any normal person would do–get ready for the day.  The problem is, there is no day waiting for me.

I’ve gone about my day doing daily tasks, taking care of the dogs, and working on my computer.  I fell asleep during my lunch, woke up then finished my lunch.

I went into my office to check on a trade that I had placed in Forex earlier in the day and saw that it was in a sideways movement, not going anywhere, so I closed the trade down with pennies for profit.  I too am going sideways, going nowhere.

The high point of my day was when the mailman brought a box to my door from Amazon.com.

I’m not sad.  I’m frustrated and bored.  I’m also lonely.

I’m very lonely.lonely

 

 

I Am A Fallen Leaf

the-more-i-think-the-more-confused-i-get-quote-2

I am a leaf laying on the ground beneath a luxurious maple tree, the branches hanging over me like a protective barrier in hues of various stages of brilliant golds and reds.  It is shedding its leaves baring its branches and in a matter of a few more weeks or even days, it will stand naked before the eyes of whoever passes by.

Some of the maple tree’s branches reach up above the houses while others stretch wide, and still, others hover towards the ground as though trying to capture the leaves on the ground to cover itself up with.

I am sitting here this morning trying to accomplish something, anything, but the more I try to get things straight in my head, the more my thoughts scatter around like leaves blowing around in a fall wind.

I cannot think this morning.  I recognize this state of mind and all I can do is acquiesce to the meanderings of my thoughts.  As I often do through my fingers, I am writing to see if somehow through the written word, I can line up my thoughts so that I can get something done today.

As I sit here and read the last sentence that I wrote, I realize that this is pointless.  I can’t line up my thoughts no more than I can line up the fallen leaves of the maple tree.  The only thing I can do is allow my thoughts to scatter around in a dance of pure joy.  I need to give in to this state of mind and make beautiful things through my fingers.  After all, there are no rules in a disembodied brain.

 

Love What I See

blinded_by_fra01000110-d38aphxThings are very blurry today.  Just another day in the life of a person with Multiple Sclerosis.  This is not unusual for people with MS.  In fact, for many of us, this is our first symptom.  There is usually a deep pain behind the eyes along with visual problems.

I take my glasses off.  I put them back on again.  I peek over the top of my glasses.  Then I pull them up so that I can look at a different part of my trifocals.  Nothing works.  The best way to see is without the glasses altogether.  This will pass in a day or two–I hope.

My vision became wacky yesterday while I was visiting a friend of mine.  There we were talking and I kept seeing two of her.  I didn’t know where to look and wondered if she noticed my eyes bouncing around trying to focus on the right person who sat just a few feet away from.

I gave her an exciting visit besides the dance of the jiggling eyes.  We were about to step out back.  She was in front of me opening the sliding door and I behind her, as a sequel to the dance of the jiggling eyes, I decided to drop and dance down on the floor knocking over her coffee table.

I laid on the floor quietly trying to assess any damage.  My baby finger on my left hand was throbbing like crazy but other than that, everything seemed to be okay.  I’m almost certain that finger is broken.  I’ve had it wrapped for about 24 hours or more and it’s not improving.  So I’m headed to a Doctor’s office to see if they can wrap it properly.

Everyone needs a friend like I have.  She sat there quietly.  She asked me if she could look at my head.  She was certain I hit the back of my head.  I had not hit my head.  She looked so worried that all I could do to allay her fears was to smile and tell  her everything was fine.  I did admit to my finger hurting.  She went hunting for bandages, came back with a box of band-aids  and taped my baby finger to my ring finger.  That made it feel better immediately although the throbbing continued.  Yes, we all need and deserve a friend like mine.

I don’t know what caused this fall.  I was standing one minute and the next, I was on the floor.  Although I hate the loneliness of being inside my house almost 24/7, I admit that I’m rather afraid of going out for fear of things happening like this.

Now if I could see clearly, I would feel better as well.

Sometimes, when people are not demonstrative, you can still see the love and compassion in their eyes.  Since most people I know do not verbalize very well, it’s the seeing that becomes my strength through them.  Seeing is important for me.

My Take on This:

We had a great time!  Friendship and love is worth every topsy turvy fall any day.  

That’s What It Is!

34-social-media-truths-in-a-nut-shell-50-728I came to the realization today that I’ve had an utterly unproductive week this past week.  I didn’t write, I didn’t produce any music, and I barely looked at my oil painting that I’m working on.  What gives?

I was caught up with trading this week.  A lot happening there.  We received some worrisome family news.  Something to worry about there and continues to be worrisome.  Still these things don’t explain it.

Wait a minute.  I have been doing some gardening.  I can at least say that.  What little I can do.  Come to think of it, perhaps I know what this is about.

Okay so we all know I have Multiple Sclerosis however I have several other problems to keep my MS company.  MS doesn’t like to hang around by itself, or so it seems for me.  My MS likes company to keep it warm and fuzzy at night.

I don’t want this blog to be about aches and pains and focusing on the negatives, but what can I say, there is nothing positive about having a shadow of MS hanging around all the time, 24/7.  You want to run away from it, from your body but true to form, MS wanting companionship would more than likely chase after me.

Yep, I’m not feeling well.  There’s more to it than that and it’s nothing to do with MS so I won’t go into the details of it here.  However, it does exacerbate the overall health of an MS patient who is already beleaguered with a myriad of symptoms with no relief in sight.  When something else comes along to join the party, everyone is having fun except me.

That’s what it is!

About Choices

cupcakeIt’s birthday time!  Two of my grown children have birthdays this month.  Although they are years apart, their birthdays fall just two days apart.  I love my children, however there is a part of me that is resentful of complete lack of communication with me.  Then when they do, I wonder when they will get to the point of what they want or need from me.

Isn’t this terrible of me?  No, not really now that I think about it. They have trained me well.  On the other hand, I have trained them well.

What is it about boys or at least my boys, who make choices based on their own needs and not on others?  Where have I gone wrong?  There is an excuse for one, but there isn’t one for the other. Then again, it is all about choices, so there isn’t an excuse for either of them.

No, I refuse to give them their sex as an excuse.  I know of loving sons to their mothers.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying they don’t love me, but they are not loving towards me, at least not very often.  Yet, when we do get together and talk, it’s a wonderful conversation on both ends of the telephone wires.  We can’t get enough of each other and the conversation lasts for a long time.  It’s difficult to say good bye.  “You hang up.”

“No, you hang up first.”

I’m going back and forth here.  I blame them, I don’t blame them.  I blame me, I don’t blame me.  Is there any blame at all?

It’s about the givers and the takers, I think.  I’m definitely a giver.  My kids are takers, and yet–sometimes (rarely) they are givers.  I know that they are givers in their own little worlds.  In their circle of friends or family, they are definitely givers.  They are me personified.

But what about that saying, “What goes around comes around,”?  Why hasn’t it come around?  Are children the exception?

I know this is a quirky article, but I’m a bit tired.  Scratch that.  I’m very tired.  It’s been a difficult week and more difficult weeks are headed my way.  I feel like running to the grocery store to put in supplies to weather the storm that lies ahead.

Stress and Multiple Sclerosis are not good bed companions.  They are not even good commuters on the train companions.  Stress tips the balance is a different direction other than ours. Symptoms that were quiet rear their ugly heads.  You try to squelch them but even if I stood upside down in a yoga position day in and day out, ugly symptoms will just push me over until I fall flat on my face from that position.

I was a nonbeliever that stress could impact illness.  Time after time, I’ve been proven wrong.  Even good stress is bad stress for people with MS (Multiple Sclerosis).  Planning happy events is stressful.  So good and bad stress all amounts to the same thing for us.  We get ill.

Now here is another thing.  First of all, we are ill.  How does one become more ill than ill?  Sick is sick right?  Nope, you can get sicker.  You go from using a cane or a walker, to having to use your wheelchair.  I’ve had to do that this week.

The kicker is this.  You have a disease that makes you unwell.  Then you get other physical problems that no one in their right mind would want and you not only have to deal with all that entails but you also have to deal with the stress of it all.  So it’s like this snowball that is rolling down a hill and getting larger by the foot.  You’re sick, then you get sick, then you get sicker because the stress of being sick and then sicker brings it up several other notches.  What a mess!

What about these boys of mine?  It’s all about choices.  No one is to blame.  Unfortunately, the choice they make right now is something they may regret later on.  I’ve already told them this but this isn’t something you can tell someone.  This is something they have to experience for themselves and of course, it’s too late.

Sigh….

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