I Fell Down

With my head held high, I travel down another unusual road. I’m not asking you to come along with good reason. It’s about hearts. Keep yours close to you and take good care of it.

It seems I have a heart condition called CHF or Congestive Heart Failure. Now before we all go running to the computer to check it out, allow me to tell you that it’s more or less an umbrella term for anything to do with the heart that doesn’t have a clear-cut answer. They don’t know why I have this condition so it’s called CHF.

I did go on the computer to check it out and nearly scared myself to death. I thought I would be dead in 3-5 years, or so they say. I had two doctors tell me as I stared at them with tears in my eyes, asking if I needed to get my ducks in a row right now. One understood what I was asking and the other didn’t. In other words, getting things in order in preparation for my death. They both told me to not visit web sites about this but to trust my doctor’s information. Huh?

I don’t know what to believe or what to do. I guess I’ll listen to my doctors. They seem sincere enough and one of them told me that I would be missed if I fell over and died.

Today I want to speak about people underestimating the impact illness has on one’s body. By this I mean, I had a difficult conversation with someone I love. She is determined to see me out and about because admittedly, I do complain about not being out and about. Her intentions are good but she underestimates my conditions.

I can’t do much of anything these days. My heart, head, body, and desires all want to gallivant just like others do during these lovely spring/summer days but all I can do is listen with green envy to everyone’s stories.

I see their pictures on Facebook and other social medias. The only thing I can do these days is concentrate on trying to breathe. If I concentrate I can make it to the next breath. That’s my secondary illness acting up, the CHF.

The heat and wobbly legs are also things I need to think away but I can’t. This is the primary illness acting up, MS the Multiple Sclerosis.

Imagine this. I go out to please other people who think they’ve succeeded in getting me out. I go and within five minutes I collapse on the ground. The heat has turned me and my legs to mush. I lay there on the ground with twitching legs. Then I have to try and breathe because I’m lying on the ground with the inability to tell someone to sit me up so that I might breathe easier.

People—you are not getting it. It’s easy for you to tell me and others what to do, but you are not in our shoes. You can’t possibly understand why we can’t do what you think is “Come on, you telling me you can’t do this?”

Yes, walking and sitting is easy. It’s not easy for us. Even laying down is not easy. If you don’t understand then stop pushing!

My writing about being jealous of people out and about seems to have opened a cauldron of people standing by a pot of fire all discussing how to help us.

I appreciate your concern but this is a blog that is detailing the life of a person with MS so that those who are new to MS have a resource of incredibly honest and blunt examples of my life, that supplies them with information of a life of a person living with MS over many years

I apologize again for building a wall when you approached me. You pushed too hard.

I fell down.

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