I Lie to Myself

The month of May, where someone somewhere decided that parents should be singled out and praised, is the month I hate the most for that very reason.  Because I was curious as to how Mother’s Day started, I decided to Google it and found this interesting article about it.  Click on Mother’s Day.

As you can see, Mother’s Day had its challenges in the past.  Today it is yet another holiday that garners money into the pockets to those who were and are astute enough to harbor the sentimental feelings of most people surrounding their mom.  Mom’s seem to be thrilled by the day that celebrates them.  They are showered with gifts or a day out.

I don’t celebrate it.  I have taught my son to celebrate it because someday, he may have a wife who will have hurt feelings if he doesn’t clone the attitude of most people.

Back when I was much younger I used to lament this day very strongly for various reasons.  I have since learned that this is just a day like any other.  The exception is for the people behind the cash registers waiting for everyone to come in with their moms to celebrate a day for spending money.

I have nothing against anyone who chooses to celebrate their holiday of choice as long they respect my wish to NOT celebrate.

Every day that comes with less pain than yesterday is a day to celebrate.  Multiple Sclerosis without pain is not a day to celebrate but a day to say, “Is this it?  Is the war over against MS?  Am I better?  Have I been cured?  Has everyone been cured?  Does everyone know about the cure?  For that matter, what is the cure?  How did I come to wake up without pain?  Will the pain come back tomorrow?”  On and on.

I go about my days not troubling with these auspicious occasions.  There are so many of them I’ve lost count.  I don’t even celebrate the biggies with the exception of sending out gifts.  I figure, what the heck.  I’ll send out gifts since this seems to be a good time to get free shipping and everyone is on their best behavior to see to it that everyone receives their gifts in a timely manner.

Mother’s day has been of particular interest to me.  I didn’t celebrate having a mother as a child and I couldn’t celebrate in total, celebrating mother’s day with all my children.  I lost one to SIDS or Crib death, two to their father by marriage in a custodial debate during our divorce where I was deemed worse than the wicked witch of the east and because of lack of family, unfit!  Another child was lost when my then husband whisked him away during the wee hours of the morning.  I suddenly woke up and when I found myself alone I ran outside of the house in Montana to see the car about three blocks down turning away.  My screaming and wailing did nothing to make the car turn around.

What does any of this have to do with Multiple Sclerosis?  Although my intellect denies my lack of interest in this holiday, my body does not.  I can’t deny that my body reacts to this holiday weeks prior to it and weeks after it.  Symptoms become more pronounced, depression is more morose, and although I have just written about the insignificance of this holiday, my words are in direct opposition to what I say I feel.  It’s a conundrum.  I lie to myself.

Happy Mother’s Day to those of you who celebrate it.

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