To Know Or Not To Know

It’s been a while since I’ve been in here and I apologize for this.  I’ve had surgery for a hernia I mentioned in an earlier note to you and it is taking me some time to recover.  Meanwhile, I’m having other medical issues and it all parlays into a miasma of chaos in my head such that I find myself unable to think straight.

Having Multiple Sclerosis just adds to the chaos of all these medical issues and adds to the pain and confusion.

I keep touching on the topic of confusion or chaos.  What I’m saying is that it feels like I’m being thrown against a brick wall over and over again and I’m feeling like no sooner do I get over one bruise, another one arises to take its place.

In reading over the last few posts here, I can see that I’ve spiraled downwards into the pity party that I hate so much.  Yes, I have thrown one.  I never said that I don’t throw one once in awhile.  I just didn’t realize it, until lately, that I was in the midst of one.  Now how can one be at a party and not see the road that took one there?  It’s not a party that I’ve invited anyone to because I already know that people don’t like this type of party, nor do I.  So I wrote myself an invitation and attended it on my own.  I didn’t even invite family members.

When family members ask how I am, I do the same thing I always do.  I bounce off the issues and leave them with the impression that things are difficult, but hey, I can handle it just fine.  What’s amazing to me is that the people who are the closest to me are often the easiest ones to fool.  Why is that?  I think it’s because oftentimes, it is easier to feel that the so-called obligatory phone call, now and then, is sufficient to keep the sense of guilt away at not having touched based with a family member who is chronically ill.  I don’t know.  It’s not my place to guess at what makes someone else tick.  I hate calls like that anyway.

Call me if you have something to say or because you really miss me or truly want my phone company.  Don’t call me just to say, “just wondering how you are and blah blah blah.”   This is probably a truthful sentence from someone who hasn’t been in touch with you for quite some time, but it’s not a truthful sentence from someone who is just a “let your fingers do the walking” away and could be in touch with you within seconds of any day or night.

Do I sound a bit angry?  Yes.  In truth. it’s not a pity party.  It’s more like an “I’m sick of half truths here and don’t throw them my way because I have enough garbage to deal with.

Is this what this blog is about?  No.  My mind is jumping around from topic to topic faster than I can acknowledge that I’ve even had a thought on any given subject.

What’s frightening me is that I’m very much aware of what is happening to me which makes what is happening to me even scarier than it would be if I was unaware of it.  I can’t even bring myself to talk about it right now.  Even if I did talk about it there are so many blissfully unaware insensitive people who will come up with the same inane ignorant comments of things like, “Oh everyone goes through that when they age”, or “I go through that all the time,” or “My (mother, sister, aunt, brother, etc…) went through something like that but then it went away.”

It matters not who the heck has been through it before.  What matters is, have they been aware that they were going through it?  That paints a different picture on the whole story.

I’m going to quit before I dig myself into a hole so deep I won’t be able to crawl out of it. I need a pain pill.  I’m going to take one and hope it knocks me out for a bit.  Perhaps when I wake up I’ll be able to see just 5 minutes ahead of me instead of the rest of my life in front of me living in a condition I don’t wish to be in along with Multiple Sclerosis.

Before everything else that can go wrong goes wrong.


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