I am so pissed off. I don’t know what happened. I have been working on my book trying to get it done in December. I’ve had no problems with accessing it. Now, for some unknown reason, the file was saved to Drop Box and is nowhere to be found. The desktop icon that I was using to access my file, now says “shortcut”. Huh? I have spent hours looking for it and I can’t do it. I’ve sent a message to my son on Skype in the hopes that he can find it for me. He’s a techie.
I’ve been so tense lately. A few weeks ago, I bent down to pet my two dogs when suddenly I just toppled over. I fell on my knees first and then my hands. I landed up laying on my stomach while my dogs licked my face. I’m glad they were happy. It’s been several weeks since this happened and my knee still hurts, but it’s getting better.
Then there is this business with my eyes. I had cataract surgery on both eyes. One was done and then 3 weeks later the other. I’ve been walking around with halos and blurry vision in one eye. It’s supposed to get better but so far it hasn’t. I’m seeing the eye doctor on Friday and hopefully he will help me out.
Insomnia is wearing me down. I drag around all day having narcoleptic episodes all day long. I wake up with things on the floor that I was holding while my youngest puppy is delighted with something new to play with. Holding coffee in my hands is another thing. I wake up almost screaming because hot coffee has spilled all over me. I have to clean up that mess.
A few weeks ago, I was complaining about not going out. Now all I want to do is stay home. The idea of going out exhausts me just thinking about it. I tell my husband that we will do this or that and then five minutes later, I’ve changed my mind. I change it back again. then I change yet again. This goes on and on until finally it’s too late to do anything.
I’m still seeing double. So now I know that it wasn’t my eyes but it’s due to Multiple Sclerosis. You wouldn’t think so, at least I wouldn’t think so, but it’s incredibly aggravating to see twins of everything. I try to pick up something and I miss it. Or I go to put something down and I miss that also. Whatever I was planning on putting down now tumbles to the floor.
I was baking the other day and my cup of flour that I was trying to put into a bowl, dropped onto the counter and the floor. I missed the bowl completely. So I had to clean that mess up as well.
It’s like everything is acting up all at once. I hate the spasms and the impingement of a nerve in my neck. Those two are extremely painful and make me cry out when they happen. The spasms are in my legs. I can feel it creeping up on me. It doesn’t matter if I’m sitting or standing.
I realize that I’m in full blown exacerbation. Or maybe this is it for me. This could be how I will be for the duration. My Doctor felt I was no longer Relapsing/Remitting MS. I’m not willing to accept that yet. “This too shall pass”. That’s what I always told myself when I became ill because I knew I would come out of it.
For those of you who don’t know, with Remitting/Relapsing MS, you get ill and numerous things happen at once. You become very ill. Oftentimes, at least with me, this leads to hospitalization and IV steroids. Then you go home with pill steroids and taper off. This helps to hasten the relapse part of MS.
When you come out of it, you don’t come back as you were. You come back with a bit more disability. You’re almost new but you’re not. That’s the problem with MS. Over time, these all add up to a cumulative effect of becoming more frail and vulnerable. You slowly spiral downwards.
It’s all a mess. You struggle hard to keep up the journey forward but it’s like walking against the tide of water in the ocean that is unpredictable. In a way, you sort of relapse/remit every day as well. You go through periods of time where you feel almost normal and then in an hour you feel terrible and the day is shot.
I gather you all can guess that it’s been a difficult time for me. I’ve had six surgeries this year and I need another one.
My usual chipper blogs, well they weren’t chipper but they ended with a positive outlook.
Let’s see what I can do here. You guessed it…..
MY SPIN ON THIS:
Let’s face it. It’s not only us who suffer from difficult things in life. There are so many things that go wrong in any person’s day-to-day activities. There are many other conflicts that we all deal with whether they are psychological, personal such as abusive, stress over children and home, and on and on.
It’s how we handle all this that measures who we are as people. Don’t do it for someone else but for yourself. I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me. I’m too old for those games, however; I do care how I feel about myself when I lay down to rest at night.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t cry, mope, scream, laugh hysterically, and shake my head over the inexplicable and uncontrollable events that suddenly pop up in front of me. We’re not looking for it to happen, we bang right into it. Taken by surprise, we react in many different ways.
So it’s up to us to decide how we’re going to deal with it once we get over the shock of it all. Do we lay down and immerse ourselves in the tiniest and rudimentary pain of it all, or do we stand up in pain and continue on?
I know, personally, many who seem to have given up. What happens to them? They get worse much quicker than they need to. If it hurts too much to walk and they start using a wheelchair all the time, their legs waste away. There’s a thousand things and ways that they quickly start to lose control of their bodies. Once they get that ill, they lose control over their emotions. At least this is my opinion from watching people I know.
I ask you, why do that to yourself? All of this will happen anyway but why speed things along? I have a few answers to that question but this is not a blog on psychology.
I prefer to stand in pain, but I’m standing. Walk in pain but I’m walking. Go out in pain, but I’m out of my house. Go to dinner with high hopes that I can stand the restaurant’s noise and people chattering, but I know I will leave the table before dinner is over. At least I went out to dinner. As so on and so forth. You get the idea.
It’s your choice. Choose. For right now, I’ve got dinner on the stove and my husband will be home shortly. I’m in extreme pain, but hubby works all day and comes home to me, half the woman I used to be. He panders to me all night. The least I can do is make him a nice dinner.