I have had so much time to think lately. I don’t think I care for it. The gift of ‘thinking time’ comes along with a lot of pain from recovering from one thing or another which as you know means pain. There is no right answer as to whether this prolonged period to think about things is good or bad. I would hazard a guess that it’s both.
I had a fall the other day. It was because I bent over to pet my dogs while standing and not holding on to something. Dogs being dogs were excited. They were jumping up at me and leaning up against me to get their share of the petting. I lost my balance and fell forward onto my hands and knees. Mind you, these dogs were not a large-breed dog but two tiny Chihuahuas. I weigh a lot more than they do but these days, a drifting feather could knock me over.
It took a friend’s help to get me up off the floor. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t stand up on my own when I could before. I tried my usual technique but gave up and called my friend. I had injured my knee, nothing major, but enough to prevent me from getting up. There was simply too much pain. My friend asked me about my wrists and I told her they were fine but yesterday they started hurting as well, particularly the right one. This just happens to be the one that has carpal tunnel syndrome.
I had a carpal tunnel repair on my left wrist about a year ago and I should have done the right one as well. I was too afraid to be without both wrists at the same time.
You know what I hate? I hate that the last few blogs of mine sound and read like other blogs where all people do is complain about issues…all their aches and pains. However, in order to explain all this time I have to think, I need to go into how I have this time in the first place.
Normally, I keep busy with a dozen different projects but with all these surgeries, falls, and the ongoing recovery not only from the physical aftermath of such activities, the repercussions that it has on my Multiple Sclerosis to boot.
My Neurologist tells me that it takes anywhere from six to eight months to recover from any one of the things I’ve gone through to get back to baseline in the MS sense. The way I figure it, I’ll be in my grave snug as a bug with the critters therein, before I catch up to my baseline.
Another year flips over on the calendar for me tomorrow and perhaps that is why I’m thinking about time. Time past, lost time, wasted time, and all the other zillion words you can place before the word time.
What’s bugging me right now is wasted time when time is a hot commodity in my lifespan. I know! I can hear you shouting at me! “What about five minutes at a time?”
“Hey, it’s my rule and I have the right to break it occasionally!”
Do we all do this, I wonder? Do we change our inner lives to meet the expectations of someone else in our life? Is this being true to ourselves? Have we lived a lie? Have we just settled? Have we become so adjusted to someone else’s life that it becomes what we perceive to be what we desire?
If we’ve been happy, how much happier could we have been had we been true to ourselves? If we’ve been partially happy, the same question. If we have known all along that we weren’t living the life we wanted to, why did we do it?
Is it easier to lie to ourselves than to admit to our self that we’re unhappy because then we would feel compelled to do something about it? Worse yet, what if we knew we should feel compelled but decided not to change a thing? Was it easier to make do?
Worst of all, what if the person we were with was the person we wanted to be with but that person was not capable of living in your world? You had to conform to be in their world! Would that make you a self-sacrificing person for love or would it make you simply stupid?
Is this what happens to someone who is sitting around waiting to heal? Think about things that require answers if you want peace of mind.
I’ve taken all this time that I have to answer some of these questions that pertain to my life. It came as a surprise to me, some of my answers. Let me rephrase that. Put on paper, it gave me clarity where I wasn’t necessarily looking for clarity.
You see, I had some time on my hands. Did I waste my time? Nope. I think whether you have Multiple Sclerosis or some other disease that has you sitting around with time as a companion, that you may as well answer these questions, and then a whole slew of other questions I’m sure will occur to me before I go to meet my maker.
Maybe this is the natural process of aging. We can do less, so we think more. Which brings me to my last question.
Why could we not see so clearly when we were healthy?