People like you and I, who have an autoimmune disease such as Multiple Sclerosis, oftentimes had no outlet or venue to speak out the rambling mumbo jumbo of thoughts that tried to pass through our broken synaptic gaps. In other words, we had no one to talk to because put simply, people get tired of hearing about our disease or any disease. As a matter of fact, people (not all) prefer not to dwell on the not so pretty side of life. Of course, there are those, more than I like, who do thrive on the negatives in life and are so into it, that when you try to talk about your problems, they will interrupt you to tell you about theirs. Even in this situation, you are still left with no one to talk to.
With the advent of the Internet and blogging, a whole new world opened up to us. Grant you, it is a rather shallow world because there still is no interaction, but that is almost preferable because you don’t have anyone interrupting you. You also are not dealing with the sense that the other person you are speaking to is tired of the subject. Instead, you have people reading your blog because they are interested in the subject.
You sit quietly at your desk or wherever, and throw out your thoughts to a captive audience who are sitting somewhere out there and are actively reading all about you. They have stepped into your corner of the world and are now peaking inside the windows of your home. You know they are out there but you don’t know when they will show up. You can’t ready the house for company. They have to accept you as you are.
Right now, I’m sitting in my nightgown. Sure it’s almost noon here, but I have nowhere to go and no reason to get dressed. Do I care? Do you care? No. As long as I’m typing and you are reading, both parties are content. Do I care what you are wearing or the environment in which you sit while you read? No. It works both ways. You are looking for something to read and I am looking for an audience.
No. Now that I think about it, I am not looking for an audience. So why do I blog? I’m a writer. I’m also a composer of music and musician. Add to that, I’m an artist as well. I don’t do any of these things for an audience first. I do them because I am compelled to do them. I was born to do these things. Ultimately yes, it would be great to have an audience. Your work cries for an audience, but it is the “work” that cries for an audience. You can’t help what you do. You just do it. The work languishes on your computer or on a canvas sadly collecting dust, chomping at the bit to be displayed, heard or read.
All that I am and all that I do is of a solitary nature. I did not choose this, it chose me. Unfortunately, my personality is completely opposite of someone you would picture doing these things. I am an extrovert. I seek real people. No offense to you and your warm bodies. I do appreciate you more than you know. However, wouldn’t it be nicer if you were sitting here with me and we having some coffee and chatting?
Nope, that wouldn’t work, would it? We would be back to the beginning of this blog where one or the other of us would become unsettled in the conversation.
This disease or any disease of this nature is incredibly difficult to deal with in that the mind is willing and active but the body is not. What does this have to do with the topic I’ve been discussing? Nothing. It’s just a thought I had.
I am grateful for cyberspace and for all of you out there who wander into my space. I am even more grateful for those of you who have chosen to check out my space every time I post. This makes me feel warm and cozy. I wish there were more of you.
Actually, this is a restart of my blog of nearly 10 years. It’s a long story but the blog was lost and I didn’t have a backup of it. It broke my heart and I cried for my best friend. As usual, though, what did I do? I started over. Here we are, you and I, rebuilding my blog because you are an integral part of this blog. You are also an integral part of my life and disease.
In the end, I prefer you out there and me in here. It’s the safest and more satisfying place for both parties to be. You can walk away from reading anytime you want to and I won’t get hurt because I won’t know that you got bored and left. I can sit here in my nightgown not caring if you see me twitching and falling over to one side with my head dangling down to the right. You can’t see me.
I just had my Botox injection and in a week or so, I won’t look so ridiculous. I should take my meds now, the first avalanche of them and soon I will pass for halfway normal to get through my day. That way I can put on my smile and most people will think, “I can’t believe she has MS!”
For this 5 minutes of my life, I’m content to sit here in Cyberspace with you at the center of my world.