“Never Stop. Never stop trying. Don’t give in. Don’t give up.”
These are some of my thoughts that go round and round in my head during the course of every day. I know, without a doubt, that if I become submissive to my disease, Multiple Sclerosis, then it will grab onto the opportunity and pound me into the earth until I willingly place one foot into my own grave.
I’ve seen this happen with some of my friends, whether they had a disease or not. You see, it doesn’t matter if you are plagued by a physical disease or plagued by a mental disease or instability, (depression). Unfortunately, those of use with MS (Multiple Sclerosis) have both.
Then there are those who, in all outward appearances, don’t seem to have any problems to contend with. Now why are they crawling into their graves and pulling the dirt in behind them? Once again, depression. It is a silent disease.
Unfortunately, for many people with MS, it appears as a silent disease as well. There are many who look well in all outward appearances. Little do their friends, family, and social networks know the havoc that runs amok inside their bodies, affecting both their ability to hold it together just so that they appear normal in physical appearance or in mental appearance.
Why do some of us struggle so hard to appear as normal as can be while others don’t care? Vanity? Perhaps. Afraid of appearing weak? Could be. Strength? This too is a possibility. Fear? For many, yes. Responsibilities to family? Another possibility.
It’s a mixture of of all these things. It is for me. How I appear to others varies from day to day. Some days I feel strong so I want to look strong. Other days I feel sick so I don’t care how I appear.
Quite frankly, if truth be known, I don’t behave in any way just for the sake of how I appear on the outside. If I succumb to vanity, it is because I can be vain. I want to have nice hair and nails, an almost impossible thing due to the multiple medications I take. A trip to the salon is usually a way to lift up my spirits if I can tolerate the inane conversations that I have to deal with most of the time, or the almost invasive questions that are flung at me by well-meaning stylists.
There are days when I know my family is worried about me. Because I feel for them, I try to garner my strength and put on my smile mask so that they all can breathe a sigh of relief. However, there are days that it simply is not worth it. I don’t have the strength to put on a facade for them so I just let it all hang out.
The truth is, there is no fighting this disease. It is whimsical, at best, and it will take you wherever it wants to. The easiest way to deal with it for me, is to go with the flow.
For the most part, I believe in me. I believe in possibilities and I believe that I am enabled by my disabilities. Because I have such a belief in possibilities, I continue to take one step in front of the other and submerge myself in having this precious time to rebuild the world around me and indulge in my dream making. All the dreams that I had of a young girl “wanna be,” are now mine for the taking. It doesn’t matter if it is figuratively or not.
Living life is the journey to get the end of the road of possibilities. I believe that I am deserving, therefore I am in pursuit of my dreams. What does having MS have to do with any of it except affording me the time to pursue my endeavors? So you see, I am enabled by my disabilities as I journey on the road to possibilities.