For the past 3 years, I have been searching for a way to make money in the comfort of my home not just for me, but for you too! You see, in a couple of previous blogs I made mention of SSDI (Social Security Disability Income).
Most of us are on it or trying to get on it. Yet whether you get help from Social Security or not, you are still receiving poverty level help. True, some help is better than no help, but there are some of us out there who heavily rely on this source as a primary source of income. That is just terrible! There are some of us who are not married and don’t enjoy a second income so they solely rely on SSDI. This forces them to live at home with a relative or live in some other circumstance that is not there preference. Add this to the myriad of disabling symptoms, one of them being depression, you get someone who is locked into a life of not many choices.
SSDI offers a work incentive. They allow you to work before taking away SSDI. You can work up to a certain monetary compensation before you are penalized with changes in your income from SSDI. I guess SSDI feels that if you make one dollar over their supplemental help, you are well on your way to having a normal monetary life. Not so! This places us in a position of fear. The fear is that if you work, you lose. It is illegal not to report your income. This bothered me so much that I went on a hunt
You see a lot of ads that say “Fire Your Boss!” Well I would like to be able to tell you to Fire Your SSDI. What!? Yes! Why not try and make an income from home where your disability is of no importance, and get off of SSDI to live a better financial life? Why not?
I spent a ton of money doing this. How? Well you see, I was gullible, innocent to the ways of the scammers out there, naïve, and uneducated with Internet Marketing. This is the source of where you COULD find the means to get work, Internet Marketing. As a result of being taken over and over again, I did manage to learn quite a bit about the workings of the Internet. Unfortunately, it came at a great price to my credit card finances, my personal finances, my family’s finances, and to my peaceful existence with said family, as well as my health.
I grow tired now because I’m not feeling well. I will continue this on the next blog. Stay tuned.
Please forgive me. It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged in MS Life and there is no good enough excuse for this, so I won’t question your intelligence by providing you with any. I have lost my focus, but I’m back.
Where to begin? Hmmm.
I will update you on my health situation. My MS has been surprisingly cooperative these last few months. It’s a matter of chemical control for me. Seriously! If I did not take the drugs I do, I would be a mess. No! It’s not any of the therapies because I have been there and done that. However, I do take many medications that control all my various ailments. Anyone who tries to take those drugs away from me, I will hunt you down to the ends of the earth!!! LOL
What is of particular annoyance to me is that I have a movement disorder. They call it Myoclonic Movement Disorder. Part of this Movement Disorder is that I have a Startle Response to everyday things. For me it’s auditory, although there are other forms of it. If I am startled, I react unreasonably startled and oftentimes it will set off a series of jerks that involves my trunk, head and neck. It is ridiculous at best. The other part of it is the constant jerking that I have during the day. Because I’m on a lot of sedative medication, I am in a state of relaxation that triggers the myoclonic jerks, once again, where I experience a series of the described jerks above. My head jerks to the right lightning fast and it is painful. This goes on all day on and off and gets worse if I’m sleepy or relaxed.
Top all of these movement disorders with one more called Restless Leg Syndrome and you will know why my medications are my best friend.
So far this summer, it has not been a bad year regarding the MS and I feel blessed. I have several other problems that I’ve been dealing with that indirectly are caused, in part, by MS. I deal with those things as they come up.
Strangely, even though my MS is doing okay, not rearing its ugly head, I have spent a lot of time both in New Jersey and PA seeing doctors. Such is the life of an MSer.
This is how I’m feeling these days. No matter what age you are, or what problems besiege you, or if you are feeling hopeless and helpless, follow my philosophy, and hang on for the ride of your life. Believe in you as I do. If you want to know more about my business click on this link Neucopia
This is my Multiple Sclerosis blog which has lived with me for 3 years now. I love writing in here about my disabilities or about “woe is me”. What I do emphasize as noted by my subtitle, is how I am enabled by my disabilities to lead my life the same as the next person, perhaps even better, because I view the world now from a different angle.
On other pages I spread my wings a bit further because I am not about M.S. It does not define who I am. I am also a musician/composer and an online entrepreneur. One site is http://www.trendyhandbags.net/
Another site is http://maggiesreviews.com/ where I either interview a band or write a review on a band that is either current or from the past.
There is also http://maggiesgreenworld.com/ which is not fully developed and several others.
My newest and most loved business is #Neucopia. If you have not heard of it yet, you will. It is spreading like wildfire all over the internet and yes, you will hear more about it from me as well.
My focus is on people who are living on SSDI and others who are struggling with their life. I truly want to introduce them to an online marketing solution that yes, even though you have probably heard it a million times before, IT WILL CHANGE THEIR LIVES.
Onwards and upwards is what I say. I’m a fighter only because my life has made me one. I’m strong even though I have felt powerless at times. I control my life and I am teaching others by example, how to change theirs as well.
It’s been an interesting few days and I have been gallivanting all around the Internet. I have been busy networking with other marketers who are in various programs of their own. I figure if they are out there searching for programs why not introduce them to mine? It’s a funny thing though. Most people react with suspicion because they have been taken, as I have, so often by systems that take you nowhere. They make it sound so promising in their initial capture of your attention, but after awhile, don’t they realize that we all become seasoned veterans?
Unfortunately, I am slowly coming to the realization that the later a person enters into a system such as Empower Network, the more saturated the Internet is with news of such an enterprising program. You then start confronting more and more people who are hesitant about joining up with the program. Isn’t that sad?
Here we have a program run by two enterprising men who have come from a long way off in life, literally changing their lives; who then turn around and want to help others change their lives as well with an innovative and unheard of compensation plan. It’s such a drag really. How does one change someone’s mindset who have been hurt once too often? I know because I have been there myself. Yet for some reason when I came across Empower Network for the third or fourth time, I decided to take a leap of faith. Why you ask? Because this time I took the time to listen to the entire audio instead of listening to it with a closed mind and heart.
Why did I listen this way at this time? I’m not sure. I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe I was feeling vulnerable that day. Maybe I was too tired to turn away from the audio. Maybe I was feeling kind regardless of past ventures. It’s a difficult question to answer.
I do know this. When I listened to both Daves individually and heard their stories separate from each other, I realized the depth of hurt these two guys had been through. You don’t experience life like this and not come out of it a changed person. It happened to me as well.
A person needs to be diligent when faced with an opportunity. You have to be able to recognize it when it comes along. If a person is completely turned off to the whole idea, then I wouldn’t even approach them. But if someone comes across my desk as actively seeking an opportunity, then I do approach them. They are still looking, like I was, despite the preponderance of bad experiences out in the Internet world. You have to be listening with your heart and not with your money.
Are you still with me? Good. I know you’ve been hurt. I know that you are tired and wary. I am too. Don’t lose your heart in all this. Keep it intact and safe so that when something like this comes across your path, you will be able to tell the difference between someone who is out to scam you and someone who truly cares about you.
That’s what you will find here at Empower Network. Lots of love, lots of effort to help you, lots of product to educate you not only in Empower but for any other venture you might have.
Take a deep breath and take a look see. Fill out the form on the right.
You would not believe what’s been happening around here. I am so incredibly busy and sick at the same time.
I need to apologize for not being around, but I truly have been ill and still am. I need to have two surgeries and I’m going in this coming week to consult with two different surgeons. When it rains it pours.
I’ve also been busy with a new Foundation that I’ve started called, A Song For Cali. There is this little girl, whom I’ve never met, who is having a difficult life at the age of 5. For the most part of her life, she suffered from Type I Diabetes but in a very severe way. She often stops breathing and can do nothing to help herself. Her mother has been watching her daughter day and night ever since the child was born. I learned from little Cali’s brother that what is needed is an Alert Dog. These dogs run upwards of $20,000 and are amazing. People who are diabetic emit a certain odor when they are about to have a seizure and the dogs are skilled at notifying anyone and everyone around, that this child is about to pass out or go into a coma.
I’ve entered a contest at Indaba Music for Sarah Vaughan. I’m no singer by any means compared to the bevy of beautiful vocalists who came out of the woodwork, but it is so much fun.
I have more to tell you, but it’s getting late and I’m very tired. We’ll talk soon .
I apologize for the delay in getting back to you but things have been a bit crazy around here.
So how are you all? It’s funny because I just realized that I’m sitting here waiting for a response from you ….. duh! I do wish I could reach in my screen and grab your hands though. Talk about a touch screen!
I’ve been struggling with some medical issues that have nothing to do with Multiple Sclerosis and yet everything to do with Multiple Sclerosis in that it affects it. That sucks in a big way doesn’t it? It’s bad enough you have toothaches or what have you but then you have to deal with the stress of it all which then leads to your MS rearing its ugly head. Even if there is good stress. Stress is stress and it all affects you with MS. So whether you are down or exuberant you are going to have to deal with your symptoms.
Usually I have strong coping mechanisms in place but for some reason not so this time. Do you ever get sick and tired of being strong? How about sick and tired of being sick and tired?
I am the strongest person I know whether they have MS or not. Truly. I am. I have been dealt with so much over my past, that it’s trained me to deal with just about everything! Top that off with that I didn’t have a family to help me out and you land up with a female Hercules! But you know what? Right this minute, I feel like I’m tottering on the edge of a cliff. I could fall either way–over to the bottom of a deep chasm or on the safe side and just plop down onto ground. You might be wondering why your blogger is speaking in this manner when she is always so upbeat, at least 90% of the time. Let me clarify that for you.
Pain! What do you do with intractable pain? It is there 24/7. You can’t run away from it. You can’t medicate it, at least not permanently. You can’t box it and send it away. Even the Doctors don’t know what to do with it. They all stand there with their prescription pads in hand ready to dish out whatever it is I want. I’m not talking about MS pain right now. I am talking about other medical issues which are causing me great pain for going on 9 months now. I wake up with pain and I go to bed in pain. I sleep maybe two hours at a time, then I’m up for several hours, then doze for a bit. I can fall asleep standing up. So now they say I have narcolepsy. You have got to be kidding!
So let’s get back to coping mechanisms. Usually I can rely on myself to pull me through. Why not this time? I’ve been thinking about this quite a lot these past few days. Why do I feel like a crying puddle? Then I realized that everyone I know is hurting right now. They are hurting emotionally and physically and not necessarily due to MS. One friend has MS and she is struggling right now. The rest of my friends don’t have MS but they are all in crisis right now. So why does having friends in crisis affect me and my stores of strength? I think it’s because I’m always out the door tending to them. Somehow I don’t see myself as needing help but giving help. Before I know it, I’m a mess.
Does that make any sense? I realized this the other day. I decided to try an experiment. One friend, in particular, is of interest to me. I have tended to them so much that they are practically dependent on me. Not a good thing. So when I was going through a particularly difficult time where I was laid up at home, this person promised to come over and help me out. They told me that in no uncertain terms, they would be here. I put on my fuzzy slippers and went to the front door and unlocked so they could come in without me having to get up again. I waited. I waited. Oh, and then I waited some more.
I did not receive a phone call telling me they couldn’t make it. They decided it was too cold to go out and didn’t come. A whole slew of things went through my mind, most of them bad. It was then that I realized how independent I had become when it comes to accepting help. I’m so independent that almost everyone doesn’t think of me as a person who could use some help, or company, or whatever. What a funny conundrum.
So I shook myself out of my doldrums, took a pain pill and decided that I would not help this person this week. This was not an act of revenge but an act of having mercy on myself. In a way, I am at fault. I have everyone thinking of me as the rock of Gibraltar, so they don’t think that I could use some heartfelt love in the sense of care giving. Actually, no one is to blame. It just is what it is.
One person came to my emotional aid. They dropped everything to give me a talking to. I truly appreciated this. But to my dismay, a few days later, they emailed me and told me that they could not handle worrying about me and worrying about themselves at the same time. So for the time being, they would be severing communication with me. Do you get this? I do. I know this person. They are weaker than I am and they are right. What they are doing is preserving themselves for themselves.
Okay, so let’s turn this around. Everyone has their reasons for giving or accepting help from one another. Right? When you do someone a favor, you are to do it with the full knowledge that they can’t ever repay you and that is supposed to be okay. At least that is what I heard on some webinar the other day. I say that’s hog wash. It’s only human to want a hug back if you give a hug. Right?
I’m not a saint. I don’t give of myself just because. I give of myself because it comes natural to me. When I give, I receive. I get something out of it. I like what I get, the feeling it gives me. I lay down at night knowing that I’ve done some good. I don’t think that I will try that experiment again, waiting to see if someone will come running to me. It’s too disappointing. I don’t mean to sound bitter because I’m not. I would just rather not know that people are basically centered in their own world. Even a person you thought was so all giving turned out to be someone who has themselves in the center of their world with no room for anyone else!
I’m trying real hard to turn this into a positive, but when it comes to illness, people react very differently than one would expect. I don’t want to feel that I can’t trust my circle of friends, but when it comes to the really deep stuff you really are on your own. At least I am. That’s a lonely feeling.
I’m here to tell you all that despite a few surprises with people during this trying time, I have undertaken a project and placed it squarely on my head. I am going to help a little girl and all little children who are suffering from a rare form of Type I diabetes. Be on the look out for promotions on this. I have been all over the internet and have some major websites supporting me. I am so happy about this.
So from the deepest darkest place in my heart where I hung out over the past few days, I dug myself out by doing what comes naturally to me. I took myself out of the center of my world and placed someone else in there. That is much better and from this position, I can feel the world going round and round. When you’re in the center, you watch the others going round and round. I would much rather be on the sidelines enjoying the ride!
A few days ago, it felt like I was getting a toothache. I thought, *Oh brother, this is all I need.” It was mild though and as the day wore on, I didn’t give it much thought although it did bother me on and off.
When I woke up the following morning and looked in the mirror, I saw Jay Leno. I’m not kidding. My jaw was so swollen and distended that it had the appearance of a Jay Leno caricature. Misery set in.
I was in excruciating pain. By that night I was crawling the walls in pain. I felt it up and down my back the pain was that intense. I tried every pill I had in the house that I thought would help, but nothing did. It became time to call for an emergency Dentist. I think I called about 8 or 9 dentists leaving messages at each one and did not hear from one. I was then thinking about going to the emergency room but held off. I didn’t know how much long I could withstand that level of pain.
I was terrified of what was happening because I heard from a friend of mine that he had a friend who was in a similar position about a year ago. She too had excruciating pain and then was finally seen by a dentist. However, in the meantime unknown to her and her dentist, the abscess fluid had penetrated into her blood system and a few days later she died.
I thought to myself, “I will not die from a tooth of all things!” I was in extreme fear of what happened to my friend’s friend though. Just a couple of years ago, I almost died of sepsis myself from surgery. I was in the ICU for about a month before I was able to pull through.
The following morning, Dentist’s offices began to call me, where I had left messages the previous night. I took the first Dentist who called and made a trip out there. Sure enough, I had an abscessed tooth. Apparently, one of my teeth had broken partially off which created an environment for an infection.
I was placed on antibiotics and pain pills. By that same night, I still felt no relief despite the strong pain medication that I had. The Dentist had me come in. We decided to pull the rest of the tooth out hoping that the fluid buildup would migrate toward where the tooth had been pulled and thereby alleviating the infection and the swelling.
No such luck for me. I had an appointment in New York the following day to see a specialist for yet another disease possibility added to the M.S. one. I was not about to call in sick to that office because I had already waited three months to get in.
I went and I survived.
I’m wondering if M.S. accentuates one’s pain threshold. Does anyone know? It’s not as though I was screaming out loud, but I was intense pain such as you get when you stub your toe…
I did manage to get up to New York and keep my appointment. I’m holding my breath to find out the results of that meeting. I sincerely hope it does not follow my pattern of bad luck to good luck. I prefer that it is good news. I kept a smiling (though a lopsided one) façade.
I believe that you are what you believe. Simplistic yes, does it always hold true? Not always. However, it is the philosophy that I live by. You would be surprised how having a preset mindset can help during occasions such as this.
In the face of all this, a day in New York turned out to be a nice day. Pain? Yes! A determined attitude to live with it? Yes. This culminated into a fun day.
UPDATE: It is now two days since the day in New York and 5 days since the outset of this infection. I’m still in pain, although not quite as excruciating. I will have to have the abscess cut into in order to take the swelling down.
Onwards and Upwards. Sigh…..
It has been so very cold here in New Jersey. I’m not native to this state and have been here, I think, about 9 years or so. This is the coldest winter I’ve experienced here. I normally don’t talk about weather because I feel it’s just something people talk to each other about when they don’t have much else to talk about. However, this weather has a huge impact on many people I know, myself included. Heat is worse, but this is bad as well.
Isn’t it strange that we who have Multiple Sclerosis are so affected by weather? I wonder what causes that. Should I look it up for you? Yes? Ok! I’ll be right back.
I’m back and I did find that references to cold weather and MS were far less frequent than MS with hot weather. I did find this interesting article here at http://www.ehow.com/facts_5299699_multiple-sclerosis-symptoms-winter.html Here is part of a paragraph from that site. “…..extremely cold winter weather can cause fatigue, loss of strength, difficulty walking, rigidity, stiffness and numbness.”
I need to apologize to a friend of mine. She has MS and has locked herself in her place refusing to do anything where it entails her getting dressed, getting in the car, and doing something. She kept complaining that it was too cold out and that it truly was bothering her. I found it hard to believe because I wasn’t affected by it, or so I thought. I should know better than to be disbelieving of someone just because I don’t experience the same symptoms. But when thinking about it, I have been really hurting lately in my joints, particularly my knees. I also have this overall stiffness. I just thought it was something to do with arthritis as we all get older, but now thinking about it and doing some research, I realize it could be something to do with MS as well, probably a combination of the two.
How are you all doing in this weather? It would be interesting to find out.
I think it effects my cognitive powers. For instance, tonight I needed to go to the local WaWa which is maybe 4-5 miles from the house. I’m still able to drive but I don’t know what I was thinking when I got in my car tonight. First it was dark. I don’t do well in the dark because of my vision. I’m not very tall and even though I drive a small Volkswagon, the steering wheel is too high for me. I do lower it down but then there is the additional problem of sitting low in the car. This is a problem because all headlights come right at me and it’s difficult to see. I had no business driving.
So with the above problems; add to that the cognitive issues. I got in the car and began driving. It was drizzling out and I had the windshield wipers turned on. It was dark and dreary and trying to filter out the oncoming lights was problematic. When I saw that traffic has cleared that was going in the other direction where their headlights assaulted my vision, I bolted out into my lane taking a guess as to where the yellow line might be. I was in a hurry because I needed to get dinner in the oven. I decided to take a shortcut. Two seconds later I was lost. How can I be lost in my own neighborhood? One half hour later, I finally found WaWa. I made my purchase but this time I was able to retrace my steps.
Why am I talking about this? It is because it’s one of the things I fear. I don’t want to lose myself due to this illness and go into dementia like so many others have. Also, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to compose music nor play it. I’m hoping that if for some reason I become locked up inside of me, that I would be able to find my way back to me. I’m comparing the story of tonight’s being lost drive to how my brain might be affected by this disease the older I get.
You see, I passed my house at least once during this lost episode with me. I didn’t realize it at the time though. How could I have missed my house? Had I known I was right there in front of my house, I could have just forgotten going to the store and gone home. So at this point, I was lost, but wasn’t lost. Does this make sense to you? It was a complete and total blackout of the sense of me, who I was, where I lived, etc. This troubles me a great deal, at least it did a few hours ago.
Why am I not so worried now? I think it’s because the fighter in me won’t accept the things I fear. The fighter in me always surfaces. Most of the time it wins and other times it disappoints me as I wallow in all the things I can no longer do.
There is a fighter in all of us. We just have to acknowledge that it’s there and give it full rein when we are at a low point. If we do that, we can overcome whatever issue lie in front of us. My fighter is strong and always picks me up and places me back down on the right path. Just like in my car tonight when I finally just trusted that I would find my way home.
I am so frustrated. Why is it so difficult to learn new things? Wait a minute. I know the answer to this. It doesn’t change my frustration though.
There are days, like this one, where I waste hours on trying to learn something. My mind seems to be working correctly, however when I try to put what I learn into practice, it’s as though I haven’t learned anything!
Retention? Sequential thinking? For instance, I would dearly like to upgrade and make some changes to my beloved blog site in Word Press. This site! I bought two Word Press books. I’ve been researching all the Word Press site and all the Knowledge Base info. I think I know what to do and then when I’m in here, it all flies out the window. I try this and that and then preview it, and it’s a mess. I have to back it all out. Before I know it, hours have passed. I’m sitting here thinking, I’ve wasted all these hours and what I really should be doing is connecting with you.
What a waste of time! Not you, of course, but trying to learn. However, I am here to tell you, that everyone needs to keep trying to learn no matter how frustrating it is. The act or the process of trying to learn is in it’s own way a way to keep your mind working. Okay, if you’re like me, maybe you don’t end up with the wanted outcome. But you have to say to yourself, “hey I at least tried, and in doing so, I’ve done something good for myself.” So all is not lost.
It’s like taking your brain to the health club. You take it there; you work it out; you don’t see results today, but hey if you keep doing this, eventually you may see some improvement or you may prolong worsening of those particular symptoms.
Face it. I think we all have cognitive problems with MS. I know I do. Big Time!!! I don’t let it stop me. I keep plodding along doing the things I either want to do or know I should do even if it’s questionable that I’m capable of doing it. Okay, so I spent the day frustrating myself. I had to walk away from my computer before I smashed it to smithereens at one point. Surprised! Don’t be. I can get pretty angry some days. Chatting with you has calmed me down….somewhat. I only wish you would comment. Not enough comments on here.
Well don’t be surprised if one day you tune in and find the site changed! It may mean that your hostess, me; has learned something new or more than likely this; she hired it out. LOL.
There is one thing I’ve been meaning to do. Change the font for those of you, including myself, who have a difficult time reading. I can do this! Alright!!!
I am so pleased that we are still going strong on this site. I am thinking about revamping the site when I have time. TIME? What is that?
It’s a fact that I am an extremely busy person. Why? Because I choose to be. Why? I would rather be too busy than sitting around contemplating all my problems? Why? Because if I allow myself to do that, I will really really get depressed? Why? Because I have depression? Why? I have had a sad life growing up and now I’m sick. Why? Because God thinks I can handle more than I think. Why? I don’t know, ask HIM?
It is true. I keep myself busy so that I don’t have time to think and ponder. I also don’t want to get more depressed than I already am. Someone said to me the other day that “no way, you don’t have depression!” I do. I have had depression for many years. It was so severe, that I have been hospitalize three different times for it and I’ve been on medications ever since. I gladly take the medication because I never want to go back into that hole I was in before.
Did you know that depression is a symptom of MS? Check this out! I took it off of Web MD.
Why Do People With Multiple Sclerosis Also Have Depression?
Depression may be the result of a difficult situation or stress. It is easy to understand how having MS, with its potential for progressing to permanent disability, can bring on depression.
Depression may be caused by MS. MS may destroy the insulating myelin that surrounds nerves that transmit signals affecting mood.
Depression is also a side effect of some drugs used to treat MS, such as steroids or interferon.
Interesting, isn’t it? I did not know this for a very long time. Here I thought that I was depressed for other reasons, which I am, but I never connected it with having Multiple Sclerosis as well until one of my doctors told me.
You need to know this. It truly is important for you peace of mind. If you are anything like me as I was back when I was first being diagnosed, at the first mention of psychiatric issues I became irate and was ready to jump down all these doctors throats. I assumed that they were saying that I was wacko. Some were indeed, but not all of them. What they were actually doing was trying to link all the symptoms to one disease and depression is a symptom not just a diagnosis. Let me repeat that. DEPRESSION IS A SYMPTOM NOT JUST A DIAGNOSIS. So the next time a doctor asks you if you have depression, if you do; admit it.
I have to admit though, that if any doctor talks to me about depression I still have this desire to throw myself at them and punch them out. I think it is because over the years, as I am sure all women know, doctors have a tendency to first diagnose women with depression and then they consider other things. I can’t stand this. I just bridle at the thought that they treat women differently than they treat men.
I read an article not too long ago about if a man goes to a hospital complaining of chest pains, they immediately go into action and assume he is having a heart attack. If a women goes to a hospital and complains of chest pain, even during the admitting process, she will be asked “What did you have for supper?” Or the second scenario is “Are you under any unusual stress?”
What I have been answering to the second scenario, “Are you under any stress?” is this. I ask them, “Tell me one person who is not under stress. Have they all had a the same symptoms as I do?” I mean come on already! I could be in the admitting office with a temperature of 103 with a nose that is beet red from sneezing an apparent victim of the flu. Still they ask, have you been under any stress?
Hey, wait a minute! We need to have a party. How do we throw a cyber party? Anyone know? It is an anniversary of sorts having reached 100 posts. You all know that my posts are seldom less than 500 words. I do go on and on so you know it takes some effort to do this.
Have I meandered in this post? I think I may have but I’m too tired to take my mouse and scroll up to look at the previous paragraphs. I know, I know, I’m probably not making much sense today but that’s okay right? I think I am a bit overworked.
I will let you in on a secret though. I am working on a project and if it works out, I hope that it will benefit you, each and every one of you. That’s all I’m going to say about it right now.
Okay, I think I need to go off and take a rest. Have I said anything meaningful today? Okay, I know you can’t see me, but my fingers stopped typing and there was a long pause as I tried to think about what I’ve just written. I can only remember as far up as the paragraph above, so I don’t know. Guess What? I’m cognitively struggling today!!!
Onwards and upwards. This too will pass until it comes back again. Congratulations, (I did start off with this didn’t I?). Congratulations to all of us for enduring said author with her 100 posts.
Wow! I have so many pokers in the fire that I think I will burn down the house if I don’t get my act together. The problem is that I have so many notes that I can’t figure out what notes go with what projects. I am always forgetting to write down what and who the note is about. There are phone numbers by themselves, names by themselves, all sorts of snippets of information that make no sense but did at the time they were written. With difficult cognitive problems, it’s no wonder I’m at a loss. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.
I have good intentions. I give myself a talking to as if I were a bad employee. I tell myself to write full sentences and attach names to phone numbers when I write down my notes. I start out well in the morning but by afternoon; I’ve done it again. Notes are everywhere and they don’t make any sense. I save them in a pile and sometimes I get lucky and a person calls with a name that I can attach to a phone number. Then again, I often forget to look in my pile of collected notes and don’t see that I already have a number that begs for a name.
What’s a person to do? How do I fix this? If any of you out there have an idea, I would love to hear it. Meanwhile, picture me here under a mountain of notes with a huge question mark on each one.
How do you handle it? I would rather deal with the black of night or the gray/green of a storm than days that are just gray.
I don’t know what it is about gray days, but they drag me down. It’s bad enough to be struggling with depression. To contend with days, one after another, that just compel you to feel blue is something that drives me nuts. This is not just for people with Multiple Sclerosis, but it happens to everyone I know.
We all know that things that occur to your average person is multiplied times x for people with MS. Having to deal with days such as these is of particular interest to me.
I wonder what you all do with these days. I would love to hear from you about it. I have one friend here who simply stays in her pj’s all day and night. Don’t you think that would compound the problem though? I do. I would like to give myself a chance to pull out of a day like this. If I were to stay in my pajamas, then I’ve given up before the day has even begun. In other words, I am planning to have a bad day. If I plan it, then I make it happen!
We have to fight it along with everything else. At least I do. You know me, I don’t want to give in to anything MS or not. But there are days like today, when I just don’t have the energy nor the “want to” to fix it. I want to stay in my pajamas. I didn’t. I should have.
Here is what I usually do with days like this. I always have something to do that is laid back to kill the time. There are some things in life that are perfect to do on days like this. For instance, reading is one of them. You get all your goodies set out on the coffee table. Grab a blanket and a pillow. Then settle in with a good book.
Knitting is another favorite of mine. Nothing like chasing away the blues with doing something creative but where you don’t have to think too hard. If you are new to knitting, it might be frustrating so find something else.
Painting is another nice thing to do. I get out my oils and have at it. There are any number of things a person can do. Another favorite is to catch up on all my recorded television programs, again with the blanket and pillow.
Most people opt for sleeping away the day. I can’t do that although I wish I could. My body simply won’t allow me that luxury.
Sooooo—what do you do with your day?
Ultimately, I feel that there is no right or wrong thing to do on this day or any other given day as long as at the end of the day you feel good about it. Yes, you can feel good about wasting away a day! I do! I mean we work hard in other ways so why not give ourselves a break?
So here’s to all our gray days where it gives us the time to do whatever we darn well choose to do with it. It’s a good thing to look forward to days like these where we can bask in nothingness.
Friendship? What does it mean for a person with MS? I can’t tell you what it means for you but I can tell you what happens to me and what it means for me.
I have a multitude of friends but I only have a handful of friends. Does that make sense? Sure it does, when you think about it. Perhaps I should rephrase this. I have a multitude of friendly acquaintances I can count on one hand. These are the ones I consider to be my friends.
It’s not as though I am unwilling to accept friendship but it is a matter of how much I want to work at it and how much they are willing to put up with. After all, having a friend with Multiple Sclerosis isn’t easy to handle for most people. They think they can initially, but then it begins to wear on them. I know this because even though I have Multiple Sclerosis, I have only one other friend with it. Why? For that very same reason I just said earlier. It begins to wear on me because she behaves differently to her disease as I do mine. Heaven forbid I should have more friends with MS. I would not make a good friend. I can only handle one at a time. With knowing how I react to a friends with MS, I can only assume that others would react the same with me, whether they have MS or not.
Here I am with some friends and what happens? I’m terrible at it. Was I this way before MS? I think to a degree. What way am I talking about?
I struggle with the symptoms of MS just like everyone else. This means that I can’t be relied on to do anything at a specific time and place. One minute I feel like going and get done up, the next minute I am laying down in bed deciding that I can’t do it. Sometimes I go here and there with my friends, and before we settle in, I decide that I must leave. When my friends call and ask me what’s new? It irritates me because nothing is new. I ask them why they are calling. They respond with, “I just wanted to touch base and say hi”. I think that I make them feel this is a waste of my time.
Part of the problem is that I hate telephones. It is a necessary evil but for me, I use it to call for help or to get information etc. I don’t use the phone to keep in touch with people. I would much prefer to see them. I also have social networks, like Facebook and Twitter. I am seldom on there. Again, I find it necessary to have these internet connections, but I use them primarily for getting ahold of someone that I’ve not been able to get ahold of because of distance, like my children. They are the accept ion to all my habits.
People will finally reach me and say that they have left a dozen messages on my cell phone and act hurt because I’ve not returned their calls. I tell them that the phone is not attached to me and that I don’t turn it on unless I am in my car in case of emergency.
To be honest and at this stage in my life, my closest friend is the lady who has MS. It’s a natural thing to happen. Although she behaves like everyone else when it comes to phone calls and such, there is still a connection that is deeply rooted in the shared disease. I don’t have to go into great detail why I don’t want to do this or that. She is also someone that I am trying to help. She is deep into depression and I would like to see her get a grip on it. I want her to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I want her to start each and every day with hope and dreams in her heart. I want to see her aspire to something more than just her disease. At this point in her life, she wallows in it.
A great friend I’m not. I have a low tolerance for chit chat. I guess that’s why I blog. I can at least get the stuff in me out there for people to see and comment on.
If I am anything, I am very interested in telling people about this disease, and sharing with other MSers my take on it. I want to let others know that you can live with this as well if not better than other people regardless if they have MS or not. I’ve moved forward and every day is a challenge. If I can manage to get through each and every day in 5 second increments, then others can as well.
What I do well is love. I may have a low tolerance for inane things or conversations, but I love the people in my life. All of them, even the ones I call acquaintances. I have a great need and desire to reach out to them in the ways that count, ways that have impact on their lives and on mine.
I cherish each and every person I know and the ones I’ve yet to meet. I value the lessons I’ve learned from those in my past and they are not forgotten. They will always have a place in my heart.
To all of you I say, I would like to wish you a wonderful New Year and I am ever so grateful that you are a part of my life. I appreciate the fact that you hang in here with me and read all my words. You are my sounding board and I know that you are listening to me otherwise why would you subscribe?
Please feel free to comment on this article or on any of the previous articles. The cutoff date for my E-Book is December 31, 2012. Don’t worry, the blog will live on. I just need to have a beginning and end to my first book. Others will follow. I can’t wait to share the book with you.
If you want to be included in the E-Book, get your comments in and indicate that you are willing to have your excerpt published. I will not be using any names and I will not be sharing your email addresses.
Hello you lovely people out there! Many of you have asked me about my tree and I have to admit that I did not put one up. Today is Christmas Eve. Who knows, maybe one will be put up today but I doubt it.
Why? It’s a very complicated story too long for this web site. In fact, it would take a book to explain it all. In short, over the years I developed a distaste for the Christmas hoopla. When my children were very little, I did do Christmas for them and I enjoyed it very much. They are grown now and far away. They can’t afford to come to me and I can’t go to them because at the present time, I would not do well traveling. Yet that still doesn’t explain my lack of enthusiasm for this holiday. Grant you, that’s part of it, my children and my MS, but it’s not all of it.
You’ve probably heard some people say that Christmas is all year round? Many of them say that as an excuse to not put up decorations. I say that because I mean it. I honestly believe that Christmas is a season for shoppers and merchants alike. This includes me in part, because I do buy gifts for my children and my husband. It’s a good time for bargains and an opportune time to get my husband to accept the gift of clothing and such, things he otherwise does not allow himself.
Christmas is and should be every day of the year and no, you don’t have to purchase something in order to celebrate it. The gift of giving is not material, but is in the actions we perform each day towards and for each other. Christmas is the gift of love. It is the quality time we set aside for each other to do nothing other than to be with each other.
We all have a gift each and every day of the year. We have the gift of the people in our lives who love us. All of us can provide this same gift back to everyone in our lives. I believe that love is the best gift of all and I’m certain that I’m not alone is this.
There are some who feel as I do, in fact many if not most, but they also believe in Christmas. I don’t know. I guess that I gift the people who are far away and that I can’t do much to show them how much I love them now that they are grown up.
I enjoy the season just like everyone else, but I don’t feel compelled to do as everyone else. Many years I do. I do put up a Christmas tree and all the trimmings but it’s mostly because I think that Christmas trees are so lovely all lit up. It is also a good time to invite people over for dinner and companionship.
This year, I have not put up a tree. It doesn’t mean that I’m not celebrating the season. I am, but in my own way.
I am spending this day, Christmas Eve, completing a song I’ve written for some special people in my life as a thank you Christmas Carol. That is ultimately how I feel about Christmas. I feel grateful for the people in my life. This includes all of you.
So to all, I wish you a Merry Christmas. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support and love. I give to you the result of all this love, the person you have made me.
Merry Christmas and have a beautiful New Year!
Guess what? I am turning this blog into an E-Book. The cutoff date is December 31, 2012. If you would like to see your comments in a book, please hurry and put them in!!! I can’t promise that all of yours will be in the book, but chances are they will be.
Those of you who have already submitted a comment need to contact me and sign a release. Any new comments must sign a release as well. Please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Once again. Happy Holidays.
I wish you a happy holiday season, but I don’t care for Christmas much. I prefer New Years. I believe that many of us who have been around the block more than several times, probably feel as I do. Christmas is very stressful.
Take the stress of Christmas shopping then add Multiple Sclerosis to it and you are bound to find me in a heap in the corner of my living room. At least long ago you would. Over the years, I’ve learned to protect myself from this stress by removing myself from the “Christmas” crowd and sticking to the home front. Don’t get me wrong. I am not a Mrs. Scrooge, in fact just the opposite. I am a generous gift giver. I just don’t make it so that Christmas is the only time I do it. I give all year round.
Surprisingly, I have found that many people don’t gift give until Christmas. That makes little sense to me. To each their own and I’m not here to criticize. I am just stating that Christmas can be counterproductive to a person with Multiple Sclerosis.
I am urging you to take care, take a lot of breaks and if you feel you need to end your shopping day, do so immediately. If you are feeling this way when you take a rest, it is probably already too late to fend off the fatigue that will set in. Try and sense where your breaking point is, recognize it, and then go home before it completely takes over.
Once again, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. I am looking forward to the New Year with you. We will travel a path that is our own and happily do so. We will be here to help each other out when we fall, and to bask in delight when we don’t.
I like to think of us all as a family here.
Merry Merry Christmas wishes I send to you and in the New Year. We will look forward to it knowing that we have each other as a family.
Your Magdalena O.
I went to a party last night with my husband. It was the annual corporate party at his work. It is held each year at different locations that are high end and stuffy. I don’t do stuffy too well. LOL.
Picture a free spirited person (me) with a bunch of quiet and reserved people. Mathematicians. I didn’t feel like going and I almost begged off. I do try and attend at least one event that the corporate bosses throw, and I had not been to one this year. I felt that I should go to the party, so I went.
Here is what’s difficult about events such as this. It happens at night, the absolute worst time of day for a person with Multiple Sclerosis. For me, my day starts to end at about 3-4 pm. I don’t voluntarily go out after this time. There is too much fatigue.
Fatigue? It’s different for each one of us as far as the details of it all. What is common, is that we all feel it to different degrees. The trigger for each one of us may be different as well although what is common is that the onset of it appears to happen later on in the day. When we are having a relapse, it is never ending, at least for me.
So there I am at a party with mathematicians whose tongues have loosened due to cocktail hour and those lovely little appetizers on the trays. People came up to me who apparently knew me. I smiled and pretended that I recognized them. There was something familiar about them but the memory escapes me. For the most part, they are men and not a one of them has movie star looks. Now mind you, I’m not making fun of the way they look. I’m only stating that the group has an industrious and intelligent look about them which borders on being dweebs.
Did I just say that? Well it’s the truth, at least in my opinion. The fun thing about mathematicians is that they know it and they willingly laugh at themselves. These are happy people. They have found a job doing what they do best. They get paid to play with their numbers. Not many of us can feel as they do. I was once told that the definition of happiness is to find work at what you love to do and get paid for it.
I lasted till after dinner. I could not sit still. The conversations around me was very little interest to me but only because I was not feeling well. It was so loud in the room. Why is it that restaurants, even high-end ones are so loud? What happens is that after a short period, I lose my ability to concentrate and it’s as though my brain short circuits from so much input. I can’t separate one conversation from another. It truly is unnerving and aggravating. I literally can’t understand what is being said to me.
This is why I don’t go out socially very much. I have a low tolerance for crowds especially crowds who have been drinking.
I feel good about the whole thing though. I wanted to represent my husband at work. I did. I did myself up with makeup, hair and nails. The day before, I went shopping for something to wear. The event that I dreaded did me some good.
You see, if you do something for someone else that you love, inevitably you are doing something good for yourself. At least try. If you don’t make it to the very end, you still did it.
I gave myself a pat on the back and the smile on my husband’s face made it all worthwhile.
I am going to do something highly unusual for me. I am going to promote a product. It is a product I own and I promise you, you can earn an income with this.
I think that there is only 35 copies left.
Why am I doing this? My primary reason is this. I know that you are living, more than likely, living on Disability. I also know that Disability checks do not provide you with an income that you would like to have? There is a problem though. If you work, then you lose disability payments, or so you think. However, you don’t lose your disability unless you make a certain percentage of what they will allow. What happens is that payment adjustments are made. The more you make, the less you get but ultimately, you still make the same. So you’re not losing Disability, you are deducting what you made from what they will allow. It also depends on whether you pull profits or not. When you pull your profits, then it is income. If you allow it to stay and use it to make more money, well then you haven’t increased your income. You are still using the funds to make more money. Does that make sense?
You are my primary concern and that is why I am doing this. The second reason is that I know Russ Horn from a previous system that I purchased from him. I have been a member of his group for over a year now and I can promise you, that if you follow his system step by step, you WILL make money. Read the review below that I found on the internet. If you like what you see and go to the website, you may balk at the price. I am here to tell you that you MUST spend money to make money. No question about it. Think of yourself opening a store. Well you have to put something in that store. In order to place merchandise in there, you need to purchase it. It is precisely the same here.
You don’t have to have experience in Forex to benefit from it. All you need is Russ Horn’s guidance and he is with you every step of the way. You need to check it out for yourself. If you want to do this before reading the review I’ve posted below, then click here.
Russ Horn’s Rapid Results Method
What Exactly is Rapid Results Method? The Rapid Results Method Members Area – Where You Can Download The Software & Full Course Rapid Results Method is the latest & greatest product by the multi million dollar ‘Russ Horn’ Team of product creators and Forex Traders. The Rapid Results Method product shows you step by step exactly how Russ Horn makes over $100,000 every month using this amazing Forex trading strategy. Forex Trading is a great way to work from home and make huge sums of money online, sometimes only trading a few minutes or hours each day, but there’s just one problem… So many people try and fail, losing their initial investment and often there second and third investments and then giving up. Some actually believing that this Trillion Dollar Market is all some sort of internet scam because they cannot succeed in it! Of course this is ludicrous idea but it is understandable when frustration and financial loss take their toll.. Can Forex Trading Really Be Successful & Does the Rapid Results Method Really Work? I’ve got a confession to make. Even I THOUGHT at one point, that direct Forex Trading was a mug’s game. I mean, I was trading on and off for years and at best broke even period and often took losses.
Quite frankly, Russ has made me and every other wanna-be Forex trader look like a dumbass…. Why? Because Forex Trading is NOT a mug’s game, it is NOT only for the massive financial institutions and it can be profitable, extremely profitable to the wee man wanting to work from home and have a substantial income! This incredibly simple (yet potentially revolutionary) system that is the Rapid Results Method does work – and it does more than just work, it’s amazing. Step by Step – Here’s Exactly What Rapid Results Method Gives You… “Basically, you’re getting a physical product containing – 6 DVDs – A manual – 6 Cheat sheets – The Dynamic Positioning Indicator (DPI) – The Signal Automation Recognition Alert (S.A.R.A) – Private member’s only area – Support with Live Chat, Skype, Email, Telephone. This is a how to, for implementation of a step-by-step winning Forex strategy that consistently allows you to minimize your losses on the few losing trades you may have, which are not many and maximize the profits on your numerous winning trades.” Click Here to Go To The Official Rapid Results Method Website.
Here’s exactly how the system works: First of all, no prior Forex Trading experience is required – at all. I know, I was as shocked as you probably are. But seriously, you set up a trading account and can quickly start trading successfully with what feels like a lifetimes worth of knowledge and experience. The reason I can say this confidently is that after evaluating the product myself, I actually had to through out a lot of what I already thought I knew and replace it with the invaluable information and strategies offered by this program.
Before I was happy to make a few pips and to lose a few pip, believing that as long as I was not taking a loss then somehow I was succeeding. That may sound strange but after years of losing and trying strategy after strategy only to have my balance wiped again and again, I started to believe that now that I am breaking even, then I am on the right track. Of course to an extent I was but the Rapid Result Method has shown me that I would have never really moved beyond this point. My way of trading, the things I was looking for to enter or leave a trade were simply so tight, had to be so exact before I acted, I was losing all my profit potential. The Rapid Results Method expands not only my trade opportunities but also greatly expands my profit potential whilst within a trade! Note: This method does do much more than that but I’m unfortunately not allowed to reveal it, this is for several reasons. Obviously at the time of writing (during Rapid Results Method’s launch period) and secondly the scale of this product is beyond the scope of this review and my trading knowledge. I am not Russ Horn and I cannot even come close to properly explaining the depths and nuances of this method the way he can… … but believe me when I say that after putting into practice Russ Horn’s Rapid Results Method and started thinking the new way he coaches you to think, the results are almost immediate. If it sounds like the simplest thing in the world, well it really is. Think the way you need to think, do what you need to do (as this method shows you) Then you produce it again and again, trade after trade. Rapid Results Method is focused on doing the same simple but advanced strategy over and over. Why? Because it works and it makes money, a lot of money.
The Bad Points
Obviously, Rapid Results Method’s not perfect. Here’s what caught my attention: ?Although no previous Forex Trading Experience is required, there is quite a lot to take in and for those who have absolutely never done any Forex trading at all, some of the terminology may lose them and as such although they will learn the systems and methods, of this I have no doubt at all, it will take them a little longer than people with at least some trading experience. ?You will need money to start. This is not a free system, you will need to spend money to make money so to speak. However, in my tests of the trading method I found that the cost of Rapid Results Method was already covered after just a few winning trades.
The Good Points:
Most importantly: It works and it doesn’t matter what your experience level is, if you implement the system you WILL make money. Maybe not $100,000 per month but a full time income is certainly and easily achievable. ?You don’t need anything else. While I recommend you pick up all the bonus material and packages Russ offers to help your overall understanding of Forex Trading you certainly don’t need to. Everything you need to trade successfully and make money from scratch is included. ?Anyone can use it. It doesn’t matter if you’re completely new to Forex trading or an expert. Obviously the more experience you previously had then the faster you will take in what is being shown but everyone who wants to trade the Forex will succeed following Russ’s Methods. Do what he does everyday as a professional Forex trader himself and replicate the results he gets everyday also. ?A completely different system than anything you’ve ever seen. While this is great for relative newbies, even if you’re an expert it’s worth getting. Rapid Results Method and it’s way of making trading the Forex work is amazing, I personally learned so much and I’ve been at this game for a few years now. If you’re already making money online trading then this can be yet another winning system for you, seriously, I guarantee you won’t have seen anything like this before…
And so we come to the end of my Rapid Results Method by Russ Horn review. Overall, this is one of, if not thee, most impressive and complete Forex trading strategy products I’ve seen in a long time! When you look past the flashy ‘Russ this and Russ that’ sales page, when you click on one of the links provided, what you essentially have is an amazing, unique, simple yet powerfully advanced systems that’s a sure win for any trader to make money online Forex Trading, no matter what you’re experience is. Heck, I’m going use what this method has taught me and get to more trading (successfully) the second I finish this Rapid Results Method review. Stewart,
Click Here Go to The Rapid Results Method Official Website.
Who is Russ Horn,
Russ Horn is recognized in the financial world as one of the leading men within his field, the Forex market! He has been for over 11 years and still is an active Forex trader, has written many books on the Forex market and Forex strategies. Absolutely no-one would argue with the fact that he has proven himself to be a very successful and profitable trader and has an unrivaled history of passing his knowledge to his students.
Every Forex System he has released has been hugely successful, first was the Forex Rebellion, then in 2011 his sold out Forex Master Method, which is the system he was using himself to be a successful Forex trader. Now after 17 months of development he is finally ready to release Russ Horn’s Rapid Results Method. The physical product is already causing a huge amount of interest and is expected to sell out fast.
ClickBank is the retailer of this product. CLICKBANK® is a registered trademark of Click Sales, Inc., a Delaware corporation located at 917 S. Lusk Street, Suite 200, Boise Idaho, 83706, USA and used by permission. ClickBank’s role as retailer does not constitute an endorsement, approval or review of this product or any claim, statement or opinion used in promotion of this product.
Welcome to MSLIFE If you are new to this blog, please read from the bottom up so that it will make sense to you. This is the latest blog, not the earliest.
Well hello everyone. I know that I’ve not been very good over the past six months about posting in here, but I promise this will change. I think that you all get it. With MS one has to take the time to heal when one is not feeling well. It took ahold of me and tried to squash me into a helpless pulp but I won. I’m here with you and that’s where I want to be.
The last time I posted here was November 13, 2012 and now it’s the 24th. That’s not so bad, but not good enough. Allow me to tell you what has been happening inclusive of November until this past week.
Has anyone here suffered from extremely low red blood cells? I’m talking about anemia? If you have, please let me know in the comments. Does anyone know if this is an MS symptom? I don’t. Why don’t I find out for you. I will post a link here if I find something, Why don’t I check now? Okay, hang in there. I’ll be right back.
tick tock, tick tock, tick tock……………………………………..
Both vitamin B-12 and iron play a role in neurological function and the development of myelin.
Look at the above!!! I honestly didn’t know this. If you go to the link, on the side panel are other links that will lend well to research. I plan on going back there to do some research. Vitamin B12 plays a role in the onset of MS. Would you believe this? It’s no wonder my hematologist has me on B12 shots as well. Oh, I’m getting ahead of myself. But I have to tell you this. I love love love the internet. You can find anything here.
A few years ago, I was extremely short of breath. I craved eating crunchy foods, in particular things like almonds. I was freezing cold even though it wasn’t cold outside or inside. I was even more tired than ever and I just couldn’t catch my breath unless I was sitting perfectly still. I lived with this for about a month or so never realizing that perhaps there was a problem. I thought it was just MS.
I finally mentioned all of this to my family doctor and he decided to do some blood work. It came back with hemoglobin of 5 and the normal for hemoglobin is 12-13 depending on where you have your lab work done. He sent me to an oncologist/hematologist specialist. She was concerned about my levels and started me on a oral medication, of iron ferrous. It took nearly a year to get back to normal and I also had B12 shots at that time as well.
Around August of this year I became increasingly tired. Then as days rolled by, I experienced shortness of breath again. It’s an ugly type of shortness of breath. It’s where you can’t even take a deep breath in what is commonly called a cleansing breath. You want it so badly but you can’t do it. You’re starving for air. You hunger for it. Walking across the kitchen floor or just a few steps was enough to get that sensation. If I sat still and didn’t move, I could breathe, but the minute I swung my legs off the chair or bed it would begin. Sometimes I couldn’t finish a sentence or the sentence would end in a whisper.
Duh……I started to put 2 and 2 together and realized I’m probably severely anemic again. Did I tell my Doctor? No not yet.
I went to the Wellness Center here. I was a member of the club. I signed up with my coach and off I went to have my personal training. I do this twice a week. She was called away and I decided to do the treadmill. There were things I forgot to do or wasn’t instructed on how to do it. I didn’t realize it at the time though. You see, I was hoping that if I worked out, maybe I could have one of those deep breaths. To make a long story short, I fell off the treadmill and injured my back, leg, toes and neck. Ambulance came and hauled me away to the emergency room. While in the ambulance I kept saying I think I have whiplash and sure enough, I had whiplash. I’m still hurting from it.
So as you can see, I have been busy with a return of symptoms of MS unusually severe this time along with other maladies, falls, and ambulance rides each time. It’s not been a lot of fun.
During times like thsese, I have a tendency to hide out. I do very little but mostly lay around and try to recover. I began to realize that I was in a state of depression as well. All the more reason to hide. But you see, hiding; at least for me, is not a good thing. You just wallow in yourself and then you become depressed. The more depressed I became, the more I wallowed in my disease. A pity party began and lasted for quite some time. The very thing that I hate about some not all, blog sites on the internet.
While I’m at this, I should explain my last sentence, the one I said about hating some blog sites. I have visited many sites to see what is going on. For the most part, I would have to say about 90% of the blog sites, are heavily involved with throwing those “pity parties. This is not to my liking. As a member of some of those sites, it is difficult for me to hold my tongue and not start attacking some of the posters not in a mean way but in a kind way. Actually, what I want to do is tell them to stop all this bull s–t and get off their asses and get on with living. But this isn’t fair. They are not me. We are who we are and I just happen to be very strong of mind, not of body.
My defenses were down this time and I too joined the parties for awhile. I must admit that to you. We can’t always be strong. It’s a tough lesson for me to learn. I don’t know why my defenses were down this time, but there you have it. You see, this go-around, my Doctor decided that I needed transfusions in order for her to speed up the replacement of my iron. Every week I went in for a 5-hour ordeal of transfusions in the oncology center. It should have taken only three hours, but I became ill with the transfusions and had to take a bag of Benadryl first before the replacement started.
As time went by, I got bored with the parties and found myself again, but I still wasn’t ready to come out of hiding. Eventually I did and here I am again. A lot of things fell by the wayside during this time including this blog. Then I realized that I shouldn’t beat up on myself for having taken some time off from the real world. That it is okay to lie low and heal. I’m not completely back but I’m working on it.
So the reason for this particular blog today was to make you all aware that you should have your iron and B12 monitored at least every three months if not every month. You all don’t need any more problems than you already have. I’m here for you should you ever need me.
Well hello my dear friends. As you can guess, I am still at war with the hidden part of me. It is pushing and shoving at me. I push right back. I am sharing with you some of my deepest thoughts when I’m up until the wee hours of the morning. I wrote this one of those nights. I don’t feel that way any longer.
Welcome to MSLIFE If you are new to this blog, please read from the bottom up so that it will make sense to you. This is the latest blog, not the earliest.
The notes just pour out of my heart and into my fingers. My fingers tell me what’s in my heart. For instance, tonight, nothing I played came out happy. Everything came out in minor or dissonant chords that made a lot of sense to me. The longer I played, the harder the velocity until I was beating on the keys so hard that it felt like I was trying to push them out the bottom and into the hole with me. I realized then, it’s time to stop. A catharsis? Perhaps.
I’d forgotten how my fingers would traipse along the ivory keys telling me my own story, oftentimes unaware of the nature of my spirit until my fingers started their dance. There were times when I would sit facing the piano, start playing, and the music was so sad, that I would cry. Not tonight though. Tonight it was more of an extension of frustration. Frustration over the feeling that sometimes I can’t control the sensation of a wasted life.
I had such dreams. I reached for the stars and when I was just almost there, my fingers grazing the tip, my life changed dramatically. I became a mother. Motherhood was an absolute delight since I was but a child myself. So my dreams refocused and I looked at the world through my child’s eyes. He was a happy baby and because he was happy, I was as well. I became the mother my mother was not to me. That’s another story. My dreams were on the back burner along with the stew. In fact, they stewed there so long that they sort of fizzled away into blackened and charred remnants of a life that I gave up.
I am not resentful of my decisions. They were the right ones at the time. The resentment and complete and utter despair came when my children were no longer with me. I stood there with empty arms and no clear path to take. I tried to fill those arms for many years but I was stuck between a rock and a controlling woman, and to this day; I can’t forgive her. I don’t want to. I know who she really is despite the changed persona she puts out there. She slips in and out of people’s lives. She slips in to assert her position and when that’s accomplished and the recipient with blinded eyes acquieses to her manipulations. She slips out again. She is like water in your hands that no matter how you try to keep it from running out, it eventually does and you are left with empty hands and empty promises.
I digress and I will regret this posting tomorrow. Right now at 1:30 a.m., I just don’t care. I’m tired, and I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I fluff over how I’m feeling to people around me because I can’t stand listening to others go on and on about their aches and pains. I therefore choose not to divulge the true status of how I’m feeling from day to day. What’s the point? It never changes and that brings me back to my frustration. But it seeps out through my fingers when I sit in front of my therapist, my piano.
I’m vulnerable tonight and my fences are down. All the hurt and pain, past, present and future, psychological and physical looms in front of me and it’s doing it’s best to get in my way. For the next few minutes, I will let it keep me company. I’ll feel better tomorrow. It’s the weekend and I’ll have a real person to talk to instead of my dogs. Perhaps then, for a transitory moment, I won’t feel the frustration of lost dreams, and of the insignificance of my life.
Ugh. I really need to go to bed. I’m just ridiculously morbid tonight. I’m pushing aside these thoughts. Onwards and upwards.