Welcome to MSLIFE If you are new to this blog, please read from the bottom up so that it will make sense to you. This is the latest blog, not the earliest.
I am sharing with you a recent letter to a very ill friend of mine. I don’t know how long he has to live. My hopes are that he will outlive us all. But through him and others, I have gotten away from myself. I have become a chameleon of sorts and taken on their identities rather than being myself.
Please watch out for this. It can happen to you as well. I think it occurs when we feel pretty worthless, helpless, without control of our lives and out bodies. We seek something that we think we can control. The only thing that happens is that we enhance someone elses life and not our own.
We are important human beings but sometimes, even I, lose sight of that. We want to be more and bigger than we are. When I came to that realization and when I couldn’t figure out where all the time during the day goes, I sat down to think about it. When I realized that the days were no longer mine but the emulation of someone elses days, I knew I needed to put a stop to it.
Hence this letter…………………………………………..
I have come to a very difficult decision. It’s taken a lot of thought and I have been pretty miserable thinking about it. It seems that I have taken up a bit too much on my plate over the past year and the things that I really love to do which takes an incredible amount of intense times, have fallen by the wayside.
I’m not the same person that I am meant to be out of the genre of my predetermined life. That is; I am an artist. I make music, I draw, I paint, I turn homes into cozy places that people love to come home to. I do all sorts of creative things with objects that I find on the street or in second-hand stores. I’m a writer, a poet. I love words. I love telling stories. I love reading stories. I help people look inwards and help them find the belief in themselves that they too can do this. I help people take the ugly out of their lives and turn it into either something useful or pretty. I turn things around for people.
I love. I am a lover of people, even those who have hurt me over and over again. When someone speaks to me, I stare intently at them and they know they are being drunk in by my attentive soul. They know that someone cares even though they know I’ve heard it all before. I hug, I touch, I invade the space that people protect for themselves and ask to come in. If not invited in, if I feel they still need me in their life, I find a way to get in.
I live, I live ONE second at a time. I don’t care about tomorrow and yesterday have slipped away even as I type. I enjoy, or I did, enjoy the very second and space that my body resided in.
I’m ill. I’ve been ill for most of my life, but I endure. I have endurance and patience. I take this and gift it to others in many different ways. I was born to suffer so that others could see suffering and know that it was okay to have a life such as mine and come out on top. In this very second, suffering is my shadow. I tolerate the shadow and wish it to go away, but then who would follow me around? I’ve grown accustomed to it. Without this particular shadow, I’d only be half me. So it is what it is and it was meant to be. I don’t question it, I use it. I use my life and give it away to others who might gain something from it or not.
There are takers. They take and take and then abandon me. I have loved them and they have left me behind. But I’ve learned that this too is part of my suffering, not just the physical pain.
So in my long-winded fashion, I have come to the conclusion that all these things above are what make me, ME. I have not been me for the past six months or so.
Don’t be mistaken by this. I still am me, but I have not acknowledged or participated in all the things that make ME. There has been no time. I have mistakenly given away my time to new things when I should have stayed in the niche that I built for myself where I was a happy little camper. Now I find myself overwhelmed, overwrought, in pain and feeling it, and strangely enough, lonely. Not only have I been left behind by the takers in my life, I too am guilty of leaving behind the life I built.
To get to the bottom and the essence of this very long letter, I am taking my life back. I am going back to where I belong. Back to the happy days of painting, of making music, knitting, reading, loving, and giving, instead of growing inward and thinking only of things that have nothing to do with me or what I want in life.
What I want in life is a little corner of the world to call my own and to be as creative and inventive as I can be and surround myself with all my loves. I’m taking back my time.
What this means is that I will no longer participate in other venues that have taken up so much of my time and that includes all the programs I have gotten involved with over the internet however, I have grown a family on the internet and those people are now part of my life and I bring them with me. I will not leave behind anyone that I have grown to love. One being my Star and the other being My _________among a myriad of others.
I am relieving myself of the stressors in my life and going back to a life of peace and love and in particular music. I am a song. I was born a song.
I will still occasionally participate in some of my programs, one of them which was gifted to me from you; but not in any of the other programs that takes so much of my time.
So I am now back to the girl sitting in the front row with the rose in her hand; but this time she hands the rose away so that she can go home and gather more roses to give away.
I know that I have written in circles but only because I know that you will understand the story I have written. It is a story for you to let you know that I love you with all my heart and you are still a major part of my life and I expect to see you in here regularly as before. Remember air goes in and air goes out? That is your mantra. I will still be here checking on you constantly and I am going nowhere far from you. I will always be just within earshot of you. I want to be kept up to date on everything that is happening and I will continue to be a member of the family, only not participating in any meaningful way. It is not my path to take.
So I want you to hurry home and be stronger and better and I pray for you constantly. You have a place in my heart and there are not many people in there. You have to help keep it beating.
Get strong and please get better. I miss you very much. We have so much more to talk about. Oh, by the way—–you owe me my Christmas wish. If you don’t give it to me, I shall have to find a way to get it on my own, and mark my words, I will.
Take care of you for me and I will check on you later. I hope you get home soon so you can tweet all you want and get back to Skyping with me.